As you know, I have a side gig reviewing heavy metal shows and interviewing bands for sites like They Will Rock You. This is a pretty kickass deal, serving as a vehicle to improve my writing, pick the brains of some great musicians, and overall expand my defining interest into something all the more meaningful.

Reviews aren’t generally a problem, but interviews sometimes prove to be a much more difficult task. I often have a hard time coming up with decent interview questions, even for bands I’m extremely familiar with. This is incredibly aggravating; the last thing I want to do is waste the bands’ time by sounding like some dork writing for his high school newsletter with boilerplate questions. “So, uh…what are your influences?”

I’ve been listening to and studying metal for decades at this point, so it’s not like I’m ignorant. I just have severe troubles translating my thoughts into words, something which has plagued me in other creative endeavors.

Usually I’m able to pore over my own work and finally get a set of topics squeezed out after multiple revision. But even then, I’m not always completely pleased with the final result. Maybe I’m a perfectionist, but I should be able to do better.

If anyone has a solution, I’m all ears. Until then, I guess the only way to fix this is to listen to even more metal. (That’s my answer to everything.)

Oh cripes, here comes another one…

These idiots cannot function without their phones, and that’s goddamned pathetic. Look at the first clown; he says he’s on his phone “all day, every day.” Get a job! Aside from the fact that these “real people” seriously need to get a life, the worst part of this ad is when one of them says “If my phone is dead, then my business is dead.”

Well, then you’re a really shitty businessman.

Your business should never have a single point of failure; aside from making sure all of your data is routinely backed up, you should have multiple redundancies in place to cover equipment failure or loss. Since a phone is a tiny item that is easily broken or misplaced, hedging your entire business on it is foolhardy. Yet, I can guarantee that plenty of morons out there do just that, and this commercial proves it as one of the characters in there is marketing the latest device directly to them. Yeah, that’s someone I’d want to do business with.

The people in the commercial are supposed to be “real” and not actors, but even if that’s true, the real world folks they are meant to embody are unfortunately all too common. Barely a day goes by where I don’t want to slap the phone out of someone’s hand, especially since rudeness goes hand-in-hand with their addiction. Business relying on these devices above all else only makes it worse.

I’ve mentioned the Cookie Crook, Officer Crumb, and the Keebler Elves…but what about some of the other breakfast cereal mascots out there? You’d be surprised at how questionable some of their respective universes are. Observe:

• Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry. It’s probably unfair to lump all three of the Monster Cereal mascots into one place, but they all hang out together anyway. Count Chocula is actually my favorite sugar-bomb breakfast, and how can you go wrong with cereal versions of classic monsters? I just have to wonder what kind of world it is in those commercials where sweetened cereals are hyped by a vampire, a patchwork reanimated corpse, and a ghost. The kids in that world must live in a constant state of fear.
• Lucky the Leprechaun. Aside from being a ridiculous Irish stereotype, our poor impish friend has to deal with the constant threat of thieves. What makes matters worse is that the thieves are children. I know there’s the whole legend behind catching a leprechaun to get his pot of gold, but this is just breakfast we’re talking about. Cut Lucky some slack…or maybe just ask him for some cereal. There’s clearly enough to go around without resorting to stealing.
• Trix Rabbit. You think Lucky has it bad? His foes are thieves, but the Trix Rabbit’s young enemies are a bunch of goddamned racists. What, you don’t believe me? Just look at their catchphrase: “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” Now substitute “Negro” and “whites” for “rabbit” and “kids” respectively, and you try to tell me that those kids aren’t horrible bigots. (They’re also ageists, since they adamantly state that only kids can have Trix cereal.)
• Sugar Bear. Golden Crisp’s mascot isn’t much now, but back when I was a kid, he beat the shit out of everyone. Eating Golden Crisp would supercharge the guy, and he’d mercilessly assault his foes. If he wasn’t doing that, he settled for teasing other animals instead. What an asshole!
• Cap’n Crunch. Wait, what? The genial naval officer is on the list? Well, when the captain wasn’t bringing sugary corn cereal to kids everywhere, Crunch was waging a prolonged military campaign against the Soggies. Granted, the milk-based malcontents weren’t too nice, but was the fight against them really worth that much time and manpower? The Soggies were sentient dairy products, not nuclear terrorists. Sheesh.

I didn’t bother to mention Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, or Sonny the Cuckoo, because mascots like them are rather benign; they have no problem bringing cereal to kids or sharing. In fact, they could teach those spoiled brats taunting Lucky and the Trix Rabbit a thing or two about acting like a decent human being. (And I bet Tony could kick Sugar Bear’s ass.)

Have you seen this ad for Coke Zero?

The point is to claim that Coke Zero tastes great and has no calories, as if the two things were mutually exclusive. Everyone’s going to have a different opinion on that, but the thing that raises my blood pressure is that the main character of the ad is a spoiled little bastard with a false sense of entitlement. The douchebag is given all sorts of cool things as he grows up, and instead of saying “thank you,” all he can say is “And?” Whatever he received just isn’t good enough, and instead of showing gratitude, he feels that the proper response is to demand more. The only time the words “thank you” are mentioned is at the end of the ad…to a goddamned soda can.

What makes this ad really aggravating is that Coca-Cola believes this behavior is acceptable in real life. In the company’s own words:

Conventional wisdom says we should be happy with what we have — but we think it’s OK to ask for more. We think the best word in the English language is the innocuous conjunction that makes real Coke taste AND zero calories possible. So we made a commercial to showcase the power of our favorite three-letter word, and the awesome stuff that can happen when it’s used correctly.

No, that’s not using the word correctly. The character was not asking for more, he was demanding more without so much as a smidgin of thanks. If I had pulled any of that shit when I was growing up — for example, demanding more when getting an ice cream cone — my mother would’ve backhanded me, and rightfully so.

There’s far too many people who feel entitled to far more shit than they should have. Commercials like this make it worse, and Coca-Cola should be ashamed of themselves for promoting this horrible, selfish behavior.

In case you hadn’t noticed, I own a lot of comic books. (And often write about my favorite characters.) As someone who’s been collecting for over twenty-five years, there’s many boxes of them stacked in the closet; even though I’ve sold plenty of them over the years, their numbers still increase like a zombie horde. I don’t collect comics as an investment; I may have that a worth more than cover price, but I don’t care. I just like to read the stories, and I take good care of them so that they’ll be readable for many years to come.

As much as I love the medium, I beginning to notice some detrimental effects to collecting comics. (No, this isn’t another Four-Color Nightmare post.) First off is the obvious issue of space, which I’ve lamented when it comes to many of my other collections as well. I don’t own as many comics are some really hardcore collectors, but my boxes do take up a significant amount of storage and closet space. (And let’s not forget trade paperbacks cluttering up the bookshelf.)

My second concern is the omnipresent spectre of price. I’m not spending hundreds of dollars every few weeks on comics; sadly, there are people who do that, and I know quite a few of them. Still, I probably average about forty bucks a month or so, and that does add up. Comic book prices are ridiculous as it is, with the average price being $3.99 nowadays.

Third, and possibly the most important: how often will I reread these comics, if ever? Series like Green Lantern and Iron Man are consistent; I break out my favorite issues often enough. But as for the countless others…if I’m not going to read certain comics again, then why keep them? For example, I started collecting Ultraverse back issues about a year ago, and I’ve begun to regret that decision. Most of the stories I read were good, but others were just forgettable. More to the point, I doubt I’ll even pick up the good ones again. (The exceptions are my favorite series under that banner, Freex and The Night Man.)

So what are my options? Aside from quitting buying comics altogether, there’s only one: going digital. You know that I vastly prefer physical media rather than a file, but digital copies do have their advantages, most notably in terms of space. However, digital comics are rife with their own problems.

I refuse to buy digital comics that include digital rights management (DRM), nor will I buy them if they do not have a download option. I never bought any music from iTunes or Amazon until they ditched DRM, and there’s no reason why the comics industry can’t follow suit. As for the download requirement, many digital comics services have your purchases stored in the cloud. That’s how storefronts like comiXology work, to the best of my knowledge; I believe you can also download comics from them, but they’re DRM-locked to comiXology’s software. That makes them next to worthless. I can read comics from my collection that are over thirty years old without a problem; who knows if comiXology or similar services will be around that long?

The price of digital comics is something else I take issue with. To be fair, the digital price problem also affects other media like ebooks and music, too, but it’s far worse with comics. In general, digital comics cost the same amount as their print counterparts. This is nothing more than price gouging; publishing digitally costs a lot less than print. (I will say this, however: some of the $0.99 sales that comiXology runs are pretty good.)

I’ve got some tough choices ahead. (Especially with Valiant Comics returning with a slew of hotly anticipated books.) I can’t keep collecting physical comics forever; I don’t have that kind of money or space! Any other suggestions?