We all knew that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would be a big deal. We all knew that the advertising and merchandising blitz would be of truly epic proportions, and that ol’ Indy’s face would be popping up everywhere.

What I find extra ridiculous is the sheer amount of products that have the “Adventure” prefix tacked on to them. For example; I bought a box of Cocoa Krispies last week, and Indy was on the front. Apparently, I wasn’t paying close enough attention when I purchased it, for when I poured a bowl of cereal…a spoon fell out. But not just any spoon, mind you; this was an official Indiana Jones light-up “Adventure Spoon.”

Exactly what kind of adventures are you going to have with a fucking spoon?! Unless you’re a seriously perverted individual (and if you are, keep your sick fantasies to yourself), I really don’t see what the hell you’d use the spoon for other than, you know, eating. I enjoy food quite a bit, but I never really considered it an “adventure.” That part usually comes a few hours later, especially if I’ve eaten Chinese food.

Other than spoons, I’ve also seen the official Indiana Jones Snickers “Adventure Bar.” At first, I thought it was just a regular Snickers bar in a flashy new wrapper, but it’s a new flavor. Imagine a Snickers bar mixed with coconut and some cinnamony spices, and you’ve got the gist of it. It’s quite delicious…but again, what “adventures” are you having by eating it?

Heavily marketing a super-hyped movie is one thing, but this “adventure” shit is just plain stupid. Until they release the official Indiana Jones “Adventure Condoms,” leave me the hell alone. Those things might be useful, because as we all know, sex is always an adventure.