I don’t go to movies on opening night anymore. If it’s a film I simply must see the weekend it opens, then I’ll wait until Saturday or Sunday morning, when the theater’s guaranteed to be sparsely populated. It doesn’t matter how hyped up the film is; by the next morning, the hardcore fans and general public have already blown their collective load, freeing up the theater space for those of us with the patience to wait. (Case and point: Iron Man was packed wall-to-wall opening night, but when I went twelve hours later on Saturday morning, there were maybe twenty people in there.)

Why do I wait? Because I can’t stand movie theater crowds anymore. It’s not just the sheer mass of people; it’s the sheer mass of people that won’t shut the fuck up during the film. If they’re not yapping with each other, they’re talking on cellphones, or even more annoyingly, sending text messages. That last bit is insanely distracting, due to the eye-searing brightness of cellphone screens these days. Seeing a bright light appear below you instantly draws your attention away from the film.

As far as cellphones are concerned, theater owners have tried to quash their use by putting up signs and other public service announcements before the film, advising moviegoers to turn their cellphones off. (Some even go so far as to explicitly state that talking and texting are quite rude.) But does the general public pay any heed to these requests? Of course not. Personally, I think theaters should be equipped with cellphone jamming equipment. You want to bring your phone into the theater? Go right ahead, but it’s not going to work. And if you must have a phone with you at all times, because you’re on call for work or whatever…tough shit. That’s your problem, and the rest of the people in the theater shouldn’t have to suffer for it. Go home. (Or at the very least, put the phone on vibrate and sit near an exit.)

On to the subject of talking and other vocal distractions during movies. Other people babbling has been the bane of movie fans’ existence since the creation of the medium, but it’s gotten worse by many orders of magnitude over the last decade. I place the blame for this rise in rudeness on Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Arguably the most anticipated film of all time, theaters were absolutely choked when it was released back in 1999. Much of the populace inside the theaters (at least for the first week) was comprised of Star Wars fanboys, as would be expected. Since the film was so overhyped, you had people hooting and hollering at nearly everything that happened onscreen, no matter how inconsequential. The title sequence? Cheers and applause. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon first activate their lightsabers? Screams. Anakin first appears? Loud Darth Vader noises from the back. Darth Maul shows up in a fucking hologram? Joygasms. I was pretty heavy into Star Wars…and even I thought the behavior of these fucktards was incredibly annoying.

This behavior seems to have spread like a virus into the general population. It’s become commonplace for moviegoers to loudly offer commentary and other sound effects on every goddamn film that’s released. To bring up Transformers again…these douchebags in the back were cheering when Mikaela popped Bumblebee’s hood. They weren’t cheering Megan Fox’s gorgeous body; no, they were cheering because of the engine’s shiny valve covers. Um…really? You need to disrupt everyone else’s enjoyment of the movie because of a piece of bling on a damn car?! To quote a friend of mine, “people think they’re in their living room.” Sure, my friends and I make jokes and comments when we’re at home, but that’s just it: we’re at home. We’re not going to disturb other people, and when we go see movies in the theaters, we respectfully shut the hell up.

One last thing I need to bring up: these idiotic parents who bring babies or toddlers to the movies. If you’ve got a very young child, guess what: get a goddamn babysitter, or don’t go to the movies. Period. Show some fucking responsibility, and respect your fellow human beings. What’s even more appalling is the number of parents that bring these kids to loud, violent action flicks. The instant that there’s a noise, the kids start screaming. When I saw Transformers last year, one baby was bawling for a good five minutes, and the damn mother just sat there! I, of course, complained to the staff, and she eventually removed herself…after glaring in my general direction. Piss off, bitch; go home and give the kid some fucking attention instead of ruining my evening.

So as you can see, I’ve got more than enough reason to avoid the theaters at all costs on opening nights. Seeing films the following morning works to my financial advantage, as well; we all know how ridiculous ticket prices have gotten, and while matinees may not be dirt cheap, it still significantly less than full price. If all else fails, there’s a tiny theater in my hometown that plays second-run movies for $5 a pop. Can’t beat that!