I went to see Hellboy II: The Golden Army the other night. The film itself rocked, but there was an aspect to my viewing experience that I’d care not to repeat: the Director’s Hall. I got shoehorned into this crap, because the online movie listings naturally do not list these special features, and the next available showing was over an hour later. But before I air my grievances, let me give you a bit of background information.

My local movieplex has gone through some heavy renovations over the past year or so. They’ve rebuilt many of the theaters, added new concessions stands, and even added a goddamn bar. (Because when you go to the movie theater, you’d much rather sit in the bar and listen to whiny acoustic rock.) Anyway, one of the big additions they’d made was the Director’s Hall. Certain showings of certain films are displayed in a special theater, which features leather seats, reservations, and the ability to order food and have it delivered to your seat. Of course, all of this comes with an additional fee; a few dollars more than the already-exorbitant ticket prices.

First of all, let me rant about the food thing. I didn’t partake, of course, for a few reasons: movie theater food is not only overpriced, it generally tastes like shit. But more importantly…how fucking lazy do you have to be to order this shit and have it brought to you, when you have to walk right by the concession stand to get into the theater itself?!

Then there’s the whole seating thing. The reservations are nice, I suppose…if you’re seeing a big film on opening night, which I wasn’t (and you know why). But the leather seats? They’re fucking car seats! They make the theater smell faintly of a Toyota. Last but not least, for all of the money they spent upgrading many of the theaters’ projectors to digital format…this particular theater didn’t even use it! All of the commercials and shit before the previews had a crisp digital picture, but the previews and feature presentation used the good ol’ film reels. Normally, I have no problem with this, but this was their fancy-schmancy Director’s Hall. The best picture quality possible should be the default, especially when you’re forced to pay more!

All you’re paying extra money for is laziness, and debatably better seats. (I should point out that the “standard” seats in the other theaters are perfectly comfortable.) It’s a crock of horseshit, and I urge everyone to stand up and flip the theaters the bird. We’re paying far too much for movie tickets as it is; supporting this garbage will only make it worse.