Growing up in the 1980s meant three things: Transformers, neon clothing, and heavy metal. Laugh all you want, but if you were alive in that era, you likely loved what’s now known as “hair metal,” too.

The late ’80s and early ’90s in particular were a wonderful time for me as far as metal was concerned; my favorite bands were putting out albums that actually spotlighted their songwriting abilities (rather than the corporate-mandated punk chords), newer groups on the scene had some serious musical chops as well, and at long last, the horrifying glam fashions were starting to disappear, so we could more easily focus on the music. (One look at the album covers for Shout at the Devil or Look What the Cat Dragged In will make you glad that those fashion trends died out.) Lots and lots of great music was released in a veritable torrent, and since these were the days before the Internet, I got all of my music information from the radio and MTV. The latter was especially important, because not only did it introduce me to plenty of new metal, the music videos had some of the hottest women on the planet in them.

Sure, many (if not most) of these videos were considered to be rather sexist, but so was the music. Look at the PMRC mess back in the 1980s, too; it wasn’t just foul language that those foolish crusaders wanted to stamp out! But come on…the drugs/booze/party/sex stylings of the genre just made for good fun music, nothing more. Even more ironic is that looking back, these songs and videos were positively tame by today’s standards. Hell, they’re tame even by the standards of the mid-1990s!

Anyway, while hot women in videos is nothing new, the sexiness factor really took off in the late ’80s and early ’90s. MTV was a colossal hit, and metal was at its peak. There were very few metal videos to be found that didn’t feature a buxom blonde from Jersey or a ravenhaired beauty in a leather bustier and miniskirt. Ah, those were the days! If only they’d lasted longer.

As metal’s popularity waned thanks to that “alternative” garbage, and MTV started playing more crappy TV shows instead of videos, the hot female quotient dropped as well. Sure, the rappers kept it up, but it just wasn’t the same. As far as rock was concerned, a majority of the women in that scene were those ugly-ass pierced punk chicks, with fucked-up hairstyles and wardrobes from the Salvation Army. Yuck. Sorry, big hair and fire engine red lipstick on a woman wins out over that stuff any day of the week.

Comedians Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn have lampooned many 1980s metal bands’ video antics as oddly homosexual (and they’re right!), but the fact remains that the women in those videos were absolutely smokin’. I leave you with a bunch of classic examples of this trend…go forth, and rock out!

• Warrant – “Cherry Pie” (Bobbie Brown!)

• Danger Danger – “Monkey Business” (thongs, and Lady Tarzan?)
• Mötley Crüe – “Girls, Girls, Girls” (need I say more?)
• Slaughter – “Up All Night” (sluts on the streets)
• FireHouse – “Don’t Treat Me Bad” (she’s a pyrokinetic!)

Man, do those videos bring back memories. Damn it, we need to bring that stuff back!