I don’t go to movies on opening night anymore. If it’s a film I simply must see the weekend it opens, then I’ll wait until Saturday or Sunday morning, when the theater’s guaranteed to be sparsely populated. It doesn’t matter how hyped up the film is; by the next morning, the hardcore fans and general public have already blown their collective load, freeing up the theater space for those of us with the patience to wait. (Case and point: Iron Man was packed wall-to-wall opening night, but when I went twelve hours later on Saturday morning, there were maybe twenty people in there.)

Why do I wait? Because I can’t stand movie theater crowds anymore. It’s not just the sheer mass of people; it’s the sheer mass of people that won’t shut the fuck up during the film. If they’re not yapping with each other, they’re talking on cellphones, or even more annoyingly, sending text messages. That last bit is insanely distracting, due to the eye-searing brightness of cellphone screens these days. Seeing a bright light appear below you instantly draws your attention away from the film.

As far as cellphones are concerned, theater owners have tried to quash their use by putting up signs and other public service announcements before the film, advising moviegoers to turn their cellphones off. (Some even go so far as to explicitly state that talking and texting are quite rude.) But does the general public pay any heed to these requests? Of course not. Personally, I think theaters should be equipped with cellphone jamming equipment. You want to bring your phone into the theater? Go right ahead, but it’s not going to work. And if you must have a phone with you at all times, because you’re on call for work or whatever…tough shit. That’s your problem, and the rest of the people in the theater shouldn’t have to suffer for it. Go home. (Or at the very least, put the phone on vibrate and sit near an exit.)

On to the subject of talking and other vocal distractions during movies. Other people babbling has been the bane of movie fans’ existence since the creation of the medium, but it’s gotten worse by many orders of magnitude over the last decade. I place the blame for this rise in rudeness on Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Arguably the most anticipated film of all time, theaters were absolutely choked when it was released back in 1999. Much of the populace inside the theaters (at least for the first week) was comprised of Star Wars fanboys, as would be expected. Since the film was so overhyped, you had people hooting and hollering at nearly everything that happened onscreen, no matter how inconsequential. The title sequence? Cheers and applause. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon first activate their lightsabers? Screams. Anakin first appears? Loud Darth Vader noises from the back. Darth Maul shows up in a fucking hologram? Joygasms. I was pretty heavy into Star Wars…and even I thought the behavior of these fucktards was incredibly annoying.

This behavior seems to have spread like a virus into the general population. It’s become commonplace for moviegoers to loudly offer commentary and other sound effects on every goddamn film that’s released. To bring up Transformers again…these douchebags in the back were cheering when Mikaela popped Bumblebee’s hood. They weren’t cheering Megan Fox’s gorgeous body; no, they were cheering because of the engine’s shiny valve covers. Um…really? You need to disrupt everyone else’s enjoyment of the movie because of a piece of bling on a damn car?! To quote a friend of mine, “people think they’re in their living room.” Sure, my friends and I make jokes and comments when we’re at home, but that’s just it: we’re at home. We’re not going to disturb other people, and when we go see movies in the theaters, we respectfully shut the hell up.

One last thing I need to bring up: these idiotic parents who bring babies or toddlers to the movies. If you’ve got a very young child, guess what: get a goddamn babysitter, or don’t go to the movies. Period. Show some fucking responsibility, and respect your fellow human beings. What’s even more appalling is the number of parents that bring these kids to loud, violent action flicks. The instant that there’s a noise, the kids start screaming. When I saw Transformers last year, one baby was bawling for a good five minutes, and the damn mother just sat there! I, of course, complained to the staff, and she eventually removed herself…after glaring in my general direction. Piss off, bitch; go home and give the kid some fucking attention instead of ruining my evening.

So as you can see, I’ve got more than enough reason to avoid the theaters at all costs on opening nights. Seeing films the following morning works to my financial advantage, as well; we all know how ridiculous ticket prices have gotten, and while matinees may not be dirt cheap, it still significantly less than full price. If all else fails, there’s a tiny theater in my hometown that plays second-run movies for $5 a pop. Can’t beat that!

One of most popular gaming blogs out there (if not the most popular) is Kotaku. I used to go there for all of my gaming news, as they’re updated constantly, and I liked the humor utilized by some of the writers. However, there was an equal amount of stuff there that grated on me, and it built up to the point where I no longer visit the site (Joystiq gets the job done now).

One, they’re rather anti-Sony; this is a serious problem because journalists are supposed to be objective, not subjective. (I’ve spoken of Kotaku’s bias before.) I’m not a card-carrying member of the Sony Defense Force, but I do enjoy Sony’s games, and hearing them bashed endlessly while lesser-quality games on other platforms get a free pass? That gets rather tiring.

Two, they often report stuff that’s very tangentially related (cakes shaped like game characters) or completely unrelated (pop idols flashing their thongs on the streets of Japan) to gaming. And three…well, reason number three was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I want to read about games, not this other junk.

A few of the editors have kids. Why would this bother me? Because they often report on the kids’ behaviors on the site, as if they were actual news articles. Guess what: I don’t give a shit. Your kid scrawling a picture of a DS Lite is not gaming industry news. Nintendo doesn’t care, and neither do I. Instead of reprinting emails that you sent to your fellow staffer about his kid’s puking problem, how about you use that time creatively and find some fucking gaming news to report on? Brag about your filthy spawn elsewhere.

Now, before anyone tries to call me about as a hypocrite, let it be known that I’m an avid fan of the CAGcast, the official podcast from Cheap Ass Gamer. On that show, hosts CheapyD and Wombat often mention their children (or in Wombat’s case, his upcoming child). However, the CAGcast is not a gaming news program, nor is Cheap Ass Gamer itself. Sure, there’s a news segment, but anyone who’s listened to the CAGcast knows that overall, it’s just about two game fans talking. They’re not trying to pass off their family conversations as industry news.

Let me wrap up by making it clear that I don’t hate kids. (I don’t want any of my own, but that’s my business.) Long ago, I worked at summer camps, and had a blast helping kids enjoy their summer vacation with all manner of games and field trips. My beef is just that there’s no need to brag about your kids in the wrong place. Shut the hell up, tell me about games, and leave your family out of it.

I went to Dunkin’ Donuts on my way to work the other day, and ordered a cinnamon raisin bagel with strawberry cream cheese (don’t knock it until you try it) via the drive-thru. I’ve done this countless times in the past, but it had been a while since I’d had one, so I decided to treat myself. Well, wasn’t I in for a surprise.

I got to work, took the bagel out of the bag, and separated the halves so that I could better spread the strawberry cream cheese on them (since the clerks tend to just quickly slop it on there). What I found inside the bagel didn’t look like strawberry cream cheese. It looked like liquified bubble gum. I don’t know a lot, but I know that strawberry cream cheese is not neon pink, nor is it semi-translucent. This led me to believe that the condiment placed upon my bagel was not in fact strawberry cream cheese, but rather a Strawberry and Cream Cheese Flavored Product. Don’t get me wrong, it still tasted like strawberry cream cheese; I was just miffed that I was getting an artificial replacement for the real thing that was probably created in a giant chemical vat. Kinda gross when you think about it; perhaps I should stick with good ol’ Philly in the future.

While the verbal sparring matches between “hardcore” and “casual” video gamers have raged for decades, they’ve reached a fever pitch over the past two years, because of the Nintendo Wii’s phenomenal success at bringing more people into the world of gaming. As such, “hardcore” gamers and other Nintendo haters are blaming “casuals” for the “downfall of gaming” and other such nonsense. I’m here to shed a little light on the situation. It’s really quite simple:

There’s no such thing as a “hardcore” or “casual” gamer anymore.

Originally, a “hardcore” gamer was someone for whom gaming was their dominant hobby. They played a lot of games, often across many different genres, and it took up a considerable amount of their free time. A “casual” gamer was just the opposite: someone who barely (if ever) played games, and their choices were often limited by what arcade machine happened to be in the corner of the pizza parlor at the time. Makes perfect logical sense, doesn’t it?

In recent years, thanks to the Internet and the legions of fanboys who are now interconnected, the terms have been altered, but this time for more arrogant and derogatory reasons. A “hardcore” gamer became someone who plays first-person shooters (FPSes) and other hyper-violent games almost exclusively, especially online. A “casual” gamer became someone who prefers games with bright colors or more upbeat themes, and/or enjoys quick Web-based games like Bejeweled. And it continued to snowball: a “hardcore” gamer was only someone who used an Xbox 360 or PC for their gaming needs, while “casuals” were Wii players. (PS3 users were [and still are] shit upon by both camps.) Someone’s “hardcore” or “casual” status is now described by the console they own and the genres they enjoy, not by how much time they invest in the hobby! You can see how ludicrous that is, which is why it’s now time for me to debunk the whole thing.

Look at the original definitions I described at the beginning of this article. If someone only owned a Wii, yet constantly played Wii Sports, Wii Fit, and Carnival Games for many hours on end (as a large number of Wii owners do), then they would certainly qualify as a “hardcore” gamer. If someone bought an Xbox 360 and a copy of Halo 3, and played it a little bit whenever they had a spot of free time, than they’re most certainly a “casual” gamer. But by these preposterous “modern” definitions of the term, neither of those apply. It makes no sense by any stretch of logic, and therefore, “hardcore” and “casual” gamers simply do not exist anymore.

Furthermore, the insane popularity of the Wii and the emergence of video games in general into pop culture also renders the “hardcore” and “casual” labels obsolete. Instead of being a niche market, games are now for everyone, just like movies, music, books, and other forms of popular entertainment. It all boils down to the hardcore losers being upset because they have nothing to hide behind anymore. Everyone wants in on their hobby, and they just don’t want to share. It’s arrogance on a nearly unprecedented scale, and it’s the exact reason why the general public looks at video game fanatics with such disdain. Can you blame them?

Don’t like the way the gaming world is shifting? Tough shit. Games are for everyone now, and will continue to be that way. If you don’t like it, find a new hobby. In the meantime, there’s a truly hardcore Tetris fan who’s ready to school your GTAIV-playing ass any day of the week.

One of my biggest pet peeves is anime/manga fanboyism. And that includes fangirls, so don’t go accusing me of sexism. Perhaps “fanradicalism” is a better term? Anyway, I’m talking about people so completely obsessed with anime, manga, and Japanese culture that it’s destroyed their grip on reality. If you’ve ever seen photos taken at anime conventions, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. (Fat people in spandex anime outfits. I kid you not.)

Why do I find them so annoying? For the record, I see nothing wrong with really enjoying your hobby. We all do that from time to time. But when your hobby becomes an obsession which disconnects you from society and affects interpersonal relationships, then hey, you’ve got a problem! Furthermore, the arrogance displayed by the fanradicals is appalling.

For example, let’s take the hotly-debated issue of subtitles versus dubbing in anime. Personally, I prefer dubbed anime as long as it’s a quality dub. If I have to watch subtitles, I’m not going to bitch. What I take issue with is the fanradicals who swear up and down that subtitling is the only way to go, often claiming that the English translations “suck” or that the dub voice actors are terrible. Now, first of all, the English translations for subtitles can be just as bad; it all depends on who you have handling the translation, so that claim is rendered moot.

Secondly, the issue of voice acting. While anyone who’s watched even a tiny bit of dubbed anime or film knows that there’s plenty of truly shitty dub work out there, there’s conversely an overwhelming amount of extremely high quality English voice acting. This is a natural progression; anime in the 1980s, for example, wasn’t as hugely popular stateside as it is now. So, over time, higher quality dubs were created. It bothers me that fanradicals still decry it as inferior nowadays; that’s incredibly insulting to the hardworking voice actors. (Need I remind you that the greatest voice actors of all time, Mel Blanc and Frank Welker, are both American?) Also, for those idiots who go on and on about how the Japanese voice work is somehow better at conveying emotion and story…how do you know? Are you fluent in Japanese, and all of its dialects? If not…then your claims fly right out the window. In some cases, the Japanese voice acting is actually pretty bad, while the English voice acting is a marked improvement; Fullmetal Alchemist is a prime example of this. (I’ve confirmed it with Japanese-speaking friends.) It’s just like any other medium; there’s good work, and bad.

Moving on to manga, we find many of the same complaints. While the voice acting bit obviously doesn’t apply, there’s complaints about translations. Again, that’s all dependent on the translation team, and in some cases, changes must be made due to linguistic and cultural differences. If you can still enjoy the story, then who gives a shit?

Next up…video games. The fanradicals there are a super-niche group, as many of them do know some Japanese in order to play text-heavy games. Rounding them out, however, are those who claim that Japanese-designed games are the only way to go. Everyone who knows me is aware that I prefer Japanese-developed games, but that’s only because that’s where a majority of my favorite series come from. I have no beef with Western developers at all, especially since I was a PC gaming addict throughout my high school and college years. C’mon, do these fanradicals honestly think that the classic LucasArts adventure games were bad, simply because they weren’t Japanese?

Last but not least, we’ve got the cancerous growths known as J-pop and J-rock. As you can tell by the name, these are very Japan-centric versions of pop and rock music. However, what sets them apart is the fact that they’re unbelievably annoying and saccharine to the extent of rotting out your teeth just by hearing them (especially J-pop). Much of the styles’ popularity over here is due to the fact that groups are often hired to perform theme songs for various anime adaptations. While good theme music is essential to heighten a TV show’s mood, these songs often clash wildly with the show’s theme. The super-upbeat pop songs before a particularly violent episode of Bleach? Please. How do the fanradicals factor into this? By blaring the vile shit over and over, and screeching out the lyrics in poorly spoken Japanese! I used to work with kids at a summer camp ages ago, and the Backstreet Boys fangirls there weren’t nearly as bad as this.

As you can see, the anime/manga fanradicals drive me insane. To put the final nail in the coffin, I’ll end this post with a personal anecdote.

About a month and a half ago, I went with friends to the US screening of Death Note, a Japanese live-action film based on the manga of the same name. We knew going in that we’d likely be the oldest folks in there, as anime and manga in the US is heavily marketed towards the teen set. We also knew that the fanradical contigent would be out in full force, and we were proven correct. (There were even a few cosplayers.) We didn’t get angry at this; they had every right to be there as we did. I just didn’t want them to disrupt my enjoyment of the film with their antics…but that was apparently too much to ask. A group of fanboys sitting behind my roommate had comments to make about just about every scene, until he shushed them. Even worse were the fangirls sitting behind me. I knew they’d squeal every time a character appeared onscreen for the first time; it irritated me, but I let it go. What I could not tolerate was their commenting on the most asinine and pointless elements of the film! For example, the character “L” is always seen barefoot. In one scene towards the end of the film, he’s got sneakers on. This caused the fangirls to loudly proclaim, “Omigod, he’s got shoes!” To which I turned around and growled, “Thanks, genius.” And then there was the guy sitting in front of me, who yelled out “Why didn’t you give us the recipe?” after a brief segment that showed a character on a cooking show. Why the hell would you yell something out like that? Oh yeah, because you’re a fat slob. (This guy definitely was.)

Seriously, I don’t care how much of a fan you are, shut the fuck up. (This dovetails nicely with my thoughts on movie theater etiquette, but I’ll save that for another post.) I had to silence those bitches behind me quite a few times during the movie, and my patience was strained to the limit. While I enjoyed the film quite a bit, it almost wasn’t worth it due to the constant disruptions from the fanradicals. I already know the film was Japanese; I don’t need to be reminded of every irrelevant detail just because Death Note runs your goddamn life.

Whew, now my head hurts. My advice to the fanradicals is the wise words spoken by William Shatner:

“Get a life.”