Let’s start with a Gamecube launch title starring our green-clad whipping boy. Luigi’s Mansion was either underrated or overrated, depending on who you ask. Regardless, Luigi was the protagonist, and he whined and shivered his way through a haunted mansion to save his brother Mario. (Of course, 99% of the time, Mario has to save his ass from the Koopas and other assorted baddies.) Now, Luigi going and getting himself captured is no big deal. It’s the fact that he cries like a bitch when it happens that irks me. C’mon, what kind of of Italian New Yorker is going to act like that?

Was it really necessary to make him so wimpy? Even though he was the hero of Luigi’s Mansion, he sounded like the damn damsel in distress. Which brings me to my next point: when he’s not whining, his regular speaking voice just grates on the nerves. Has Luigi been gargling with razor blades? Mario’s voice can get annoying…after a while. Luigi’s voice is irritating right off the bat.

The biggest insult to date is when Mario made Luigi dress up as Princess Peach in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga. (It was to trick their enemies into kidnapping the wrong person, but perhaps it says something about Mario’s secretly perverse nature.) Seriously…what the fuck?! Luigi finally gets to share the spotlight, and he’s reduced to dressing in drag? The rest of the game was loaded with anti-Luigi commentary, as well; granted, it was done for the sake of humor, but give the poor guy a break. The second fiddle jokes get old after a while. (Besides, as we’ve seen in the Paper Mario games, it’s Bowser who’s the real funnyman in the series.)

And how about Luigi’s Final Smash in Super Smash Bros. Brawl? Completely fucking useless. He gyrates around like a belly dancer…which slows down opponents. Even when you’re playing a team game, it’s useless. Last but not least…Luigi unfortunately gave rise to one of the most worthless characters in the entire Mario pantheon: Waluigi. His brother Wario is most certainly badass. Waluigi is a worthless sack of polygons, and his voice manages to be even more annoying than Luigi! Someone needs to stick him, Yoshi, and the Mario Babies in a submarine, and scuttle it over the Mariana Trench.

We can only hope that one day, Luigi will finally get the respect he deserves. I doubt it, though; Nintendo’s wider audience focus tends to relegate the Mario crew to cameo appearances and non-platformer titles. We got the flawless Super Mario Galaxy last fall, but Nintendo themselves have said that there won’t be any more of their “core” titles for at least two to three more years. Not even a DS game, people; for Pete’s sake, New Super Mario Bros. was two and a half years ago! At this rate, our favorite brothers might have to reopen their plumbing business out of sheer boredom.