I’m one of a rare breed of heterosexual males who do not find Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lauren Conrad, and the like even the least bit attractive. In fact, I find them insanely annoying and disgusting, and wish that they could be abandoned on a desert island somewhere, so we’d never have to hear from or see them ever again.

Why do they annoy me so? Aside from their irritatingly arrogant personalities, the fact that they’re famous for no reason drives me around the bend. Okay…so you’re rich. That somehow makes you famous? Part of these women’s fame certainly comes from the population’s obsession with the super-rich, but that’s a deep-rooted problem within American culture that I really don’t feel like getting into right now.

As for their looks…they’re too fake, and that turns me right off. I probably sound like a whiny middle-class secretary by saying this, but I don’t care. I’m an old-fashioned guy; I don’t like plastic chicks. If I wanted a plastic girl, I’d buy a Barbie doll, and she’d likely be easier on the eyes than these harpies who tank Botox in their early twenties.

The worst part of it all is that none of these broads have done a minute of actual work in their entire lives. As such, they have no concept of self-reliance, nor any respect for people who actually have to support themselves. At least many other affluent celebrities actually do something to earn their keep, be it acting, athletics, or business. Meanwhile, the Paris contingent are glorified with reality shows, considered “celebrities” for no apparent reason, and make sex tapes to ensure that the spotlight remains focused upon them. What boggles my mind is that almost all of them inherited their riches from their family; how can their parents support this kind of behavior? And furthermore, I’m sure there’s plenty of rich parents who refuse to give their kids a free ride. They must be absolutely incensed at the antics of these celebutante bitches; it gives rich people who are actually good parents a bad name. (Not to mention that if a middle-class couple’s daughter ever tried some of that shit, they’d be ruined for life.)

Comedian David Cross has described them as “giggling cunts” and “horrible human beings,” and he’s 110% correct. People need to stop feeding these ladies’ egos, and deride them for the dregs of society that they truly are. They’re a complete waste of flesh, no matter how pretty brainless idiots think they may be.

You can put pearls on a pig, but it’s still a pig.

I bought lunch at Burger King the other day, and noticed that their current Kids’ Meal toy promotion is Neopets. There’s a whole shitload of the little buggers available, but two in particular stood out.

The first is Mynci. It’s supposed to be some type of monkey, obviously, but all I could do was snicker at the name. I’m assuming that “Mynci” is pronounced “minkey,” just like how our hero Inspector Clouseau says it in The Return of the Pink Panther. If you’ve seen that movie, then you know exactly what scene I’m referring to, and thus you’ll understand why the name of this Neopets character makes me laugh. (If by some twist of fate you haven’t seen the film…what the hell are you waiting for?!)

The second one is a penguin-looking animal named…Bruce. What the fuck, all of the other characters get unique-sounding names, and this guy’s stuck with “Bruce”?! No wonder he looks so depressed. What kind of message are they sending to the children? I can only image how shitty kids named Bruce must feel when they see this sullen bastard.

But I’m sure Bruce will one day get his revenge; when the zombie apocalypse comes, he’ll be feeding his fellow Neopets to the ravenous hordes of the undead. Now that’s a BK Kids’ Meal toyline I’d like to see. Neopets vs. the Zombies!

Plenty of comic books have had the ol’ “alternate future” story, usually post-apocalyptic/dystopian in nature. One of the most famous of these is the “Days of Future Past” story in The Uncanny X-Men, which depicted a future in which mutants were hunted down like rats and exterminated. However, all of these possible futures and whatnot are always avoided one way or another, often via time travel or some other nonsensical reset button that stops a single event from transpiring, therefore avoiding that terrible future.

What I’d like to see is some publisher have the balls to make one of these events unavoidable and permanent. In other words, the world becomes a shithole, and no stupid tampering with the timeline will fix it; the population just has to deal with it as best they can and try to survive. WildStorm‘s done just that with their contiguous Armageddon, Revelations, Number of the Beast, and World’s End events, but I’ve got a feeling that it’ll all be undone by the time the whole thing is finished.

In the same vein, Marvel Comics’ X-Factor: Layla Miller is a side story that takes place in the same future that Bishop comes from. Layla and Jamie Madrox (aka Multiple Man) took a trip there, and got those trendy “M” tattoos over their eyes, but only Madrox was able to return to his own time. Layla’s stuck in the future, and I think that Marvel could do a lot with that.

Of course, they won’t. Even with the ramifications of Civil War still permeating the Marvel universe, it’s still the same ol’ generic formula. There’s rumors of a post-Secret Invasion event known as Dark Reign, which many interpret to be the result of the Skrulls “winning” their invasion war. But again, like everything else the major publishers do…it’ll be back to normal in no time. Do you honestly think Marvel would make a Skrull-overrun Earth the status quo?

It would be nice to see one of these big companies really rock the boat for once. Shake it up! We can take it!

Like any other kid who grew up in the 1980s, I’ve been feeling my hair go gray lately with all of these 20th and 25th anniversaries of properties we know and love. It seems like only yesterday that these things were in their heyday, and here we are over two decades later. Ugh.

But enough about geriatric side effects. Let’s talk about G.I. Joe. Specifically, the A Real American Hero toyline, which became the true superstars of the franchise, propelling it to unseen heights of popularity. I loved the cartoon to death as a kid, and only Transformers edged it out in my mind. I collected the comics as well, and as you’d expect, my brain exploded when they released a G.I. Joe and the Transformers crossover miniseries. (Of course, looking back on it now…what a piece of shit!) To be perfectly honest, however, I didn’t own many of the toys back then; maybe it was because I primarily focused on Transformers and LEGO® toys, maybe my mom didn’t like war toys, maybe it was another insidiousss plot by Cobra…who knows. The fact remains that Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander, Roadblock, and all of their comrades are characters that have been etched into my memories forever. I’d even pick up a random figure here and there during high school, and once college came around…I discovered eBay. That certainly helped me track down a few of the elusive bastards, like Destro.

Bringing this whole thing full circle is the fact that 2007 was the 25th anniversary of A Real American Hero, and to celebrate, Hasbro’s been reissuing the classic characters ever since.

Well, sort of.

I say “sort of” because while they’re using classic-styled packaging, complete with explosive art work and filecards, the figures are actually larger and resculpted, with more detail and extra points of articulation. While this generally isn’t a bad thing when it comes to action figures, it rather defeats the purpose of a proper reissue. Hasbro’s done random reissues in the past, and those were the correct sculpts; they even had the classic rubber band “spines”! It just bugs me that they’re not bothering with a full reissue of the original figures, right down to the sometimes-poor details. The 25th anniversary of the Transformers toyline is coming up next year, and Hasbro’s not fucking with that! (The only exception being a few slight changes to accessories, due to updated safety laws.)

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I despise the new line. The fact that characters from a quarter century ago are bringing in new legions of fans is fantastic; collectors may be a target market in this case, but there’s plenty of young kids buying them, too. So while the new figures are great, it’s still a thorn in my side that they’re not as “original” as they should be. I’ve successfully resisted the urge to buy the new figures, which is a good thing; my workspace at the office is already overloaded with Star Wars figures, and the last thing anyone needs is a battle between the Joes and a platoon of protocol droids.

On a final saddening note, I really wish that Hasbro would get on the stick and release some G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero DVD boxsets. Rhino did a few, but we need the whole series! I’ve already got the full set of Transformers. Quit diddling yourselves, Hasbro, and make with the boxsets!

Someone tell me why, exactly, we continue to pay for cable television? Even basic cable runs you $50-60 a month now, and the sheer amount of commercials is getting ridiculous. Commercials are supposed to bring costs down, not up!

Faced with my rising anger over these prices, a few friends recommended that I check out Hulu.

Hulu’s a service wherein you can watching streaming TV and movies for free, anywhere you’ve got an Internet connection and browser (with the Flash plugin installed, which most browsers have by default). New shows appear on Hulu the day after they’re broadcast. So you have to wait a day; big deal! There’s still commercials within TV programs (during the regular breaks), but there’s less of them.

My current roster of shows includes Battlestar Galactica, Heroes, Eureka, Lost, and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. All of those series are available on Hulu. I did some further checking, and shows my roommate enjoys (like Monk and Psych) are also available there, so we’d be covered on all fronts. There’s even a long backlog of shows; for example, all four seasons of Lost are on Hulu, so it’s great for newcomers who want to play catch-up. (For the few shows that aren’t available there, I can always turn to the gray area that is BitTorrent.)

Hulu’s not perfect; it’s streaming video, so there’s occasionally some artifacting and other quality issues, especially during times when my home network’s under heavy usage from downloading or whatever. But, for a free service, the pros far outweigh the cons. I’ll have to give it some thought and some more test runs. For example, I’m no longer going to tape shows if I’m not home; I’ll just check ‘em out on Hulu the next day. I may be ready to kick cable to the curb for good!