I hope everyone’s enjoying their Turkey Day. I know America’s got a severe obesity problem, but today, the hell with it. You people had better be enjoying your Thanksgiving food and drink, and spending some quality time with your families! I’ll be at my aunt and uncle’s place today for our annual feast

Also, make sure you watch some football. I’m not a football fan (hell, I’m not a sports fan of any kind!), but that doesn’t stop me from hanging out with the rest of the family to watch a game (or at least part of one). It’s all about the camaraderie, not the game itself. And speaking of television…don’t forget to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, tonight at 8 PM EST on ABC. (If you watched it when it aired this past Tuesday, then you’re excused if you wish.)

On a final note…fuck Black Friday. Don’t give in to that commercialized bullshit; stay home, and just enjoy a day off from work! (If you have to work on Friday, you have my sympathies.)

Even though I’m quite the video game enthusiast, I break with the majority on the fact that I don’t rent games. No, it’s not out of some pathological hatred towards Blockbuster, Gamefly, or their cohorts. I’ve rented games from both companies in the past, but my issue simply boils down to time.

As I’ve become a crotchety old man, I simply don’t have the time to devote to games that I used to. So, even for a 12-hour adventure game, it may take me weeks to complete it. Renting from a brick-and-mortar store would quickly get extremely expensive; in that case, I might as well just buy the game! As for cheaper options, like the aforementioned Gamefly…well, $15-20 a month is a decent deal if you’re renting multiple games. However, like I said, I’m short on time, so I’d be renting maybe one at a time. In the end, it’s still not worth the money. Also, there’s plenty of games that I would purchase no matter what; when I’m playing those, the Gamefly subscription would go unused, and I’d still be paying the fee every month. In that case, I’d actually be losing money.

So that’s my beef. For gamers with a lot of time on their hands (damn college kids), renting’s the way to go, but it doesn’t work so well for those of us in the real world with too much to do.

I mentioned it in my Twitter feed, but it bears repeating here. A big “screw you” goes out to Target, for the particular sale item they’re spotlighting on Black Friday. (That’s the Friday after Thanksgiving, for those of you visitng from Mars.) Allow me to explain. Lately, Target’s been restocking the LEGO® Imperial Star Destroyer.

Originally released in 2006, this big-ass set retails for $99.99. Given my current financial situation, throwing down $100 on a LEGO® set is most certainly not in the cards, nor will it be for a very long time. It’s like Target brought the thing back just to fuck with me. Oh, but wait…it gets worse. On Black Friday, that set’s being marked down to $59.99.

Motherfuckers! That’s a huge deal; 40% off a large-scale set is nothing to scoff at! Why couldn’t they have done that shit over the summer, when I actually had the cash? There’s no way I could justify that purchase right now, massive deal or not.

Furthermore, I absolutely despise the very concept of Black Friday. The overcommercialization of the Christmas season is as disgusting to me as the fundamentalist Christians who try to jam the religious nature of their adopted-from-the-pagans holiday in everyone’s faces. There, I’ve played both sides of the fence, so no one can say I’m unfair. Eat me. Anyway, getting up early to deal with crowds of assholes fighting over deals on fucking toys and other stuff is not my idea of a good time. Human nature sickens me, and nowhere is that more apparent than Christmas shopping. Screw that noise. I refuse to even leave my apartment on Black Friday; I’d much rather enjoy myself playing games or reading a book. In fact, I won’t even go shopping online! Let those mindless sheep fight their way through the malls of our nation. I’ll stay home stress-free, thanks.

Though I still hate what Target’s done. Jerks.

I’m beyond sick of the media frenzy over Twilight. I had to sit through the trailer for the film adaptation the last time I went to the movie theater, and it reminded why I can’t stand 99% of vampire fiction.

Why? Because so much of it portrays vampires (and often their cousins, the werewolves) as these incredibly fruity characters that are a jarring contrast to their roots. These clowns would be more at home prancing about in a Broadway musical! They’re supposed to be monsters, people, not well-dressed emo kids! Even Dracula, the original gangsta, knew when it was time to drop the charade and slaughter the villagers. Screw this whiny love story bullshit. We need to bring back serious vampires, who see and treat humans as the cattle that they are.

The Blade films did it right, but if you want some proper vampire action, I suggest you read Brian Lumley’s Necroscope saga. The vampires depicted therein are much more realistic (and frightening!) than the protagonists of some teen craze. The monsters therein mean business, and actually pose a significant threat. Sorry, sad-eyed teenage vampires are about as threatening as an earthworm who’s crawled out of the ground on a rainy day.

Where’s Simon Belmont when you need him?

I’m a big fan of breakfast; after all, it is the most important meal of the day. While a majority of my morning meals are high-fiber cereals (for energy and pooping), I’ll usually splurge once a week on some sugar-laden confection. Most recently, I tried out Kellogg’s Keebler Cookie Crunch, thinking it would be an interesting competitor to the more popular Cookie Crisp (produced by General Mills).

Well, if by “interesting” you mean “shitty knockoff.”

Seriously, what the hell went wrong? Keebler cookies are delicious. The cereal, however, is boring and nearly tasteless. Sure, the requisite sugar is in there, but it tastes like Generic Sweet Cereal Brand X instead of cookies. Those little Keebler elves fucked up somewhere when crafting this recipe; the box says the cereal’s supposed to taste like their popular Fudge Stripe and Chips Deluxe cookies, but it tastes like neither. It’s a mushy, bland mess. Maybe the elves hired the Cookie Crook to steal the Cookie Crisp recipe, and he gave them a fake instead? It would certainly explain why we’ve seen neither the Crook nor Officer Crumb in quite some time; if the Crook sold the elves a fake recipe for a few million dollars, he likely retired somewhere in the Caribbean. Officer Crumb is probably busy chasing other cereal thieves, like the damn Trix rabbit. (Or throwing back shots of whiskey in Paddy’s Pub, like the stereotypical Irish cop that he is.)

Okay, that was a bit of a tangent. The moral of the story is, don’t buy that Keebler Cookie Crunch junk. Stick with the Crisp!