I’m a big fan of breakfast; after all, it is the most important meal of the day. While a majority of my morning meals are high-fiber cereals (for energy and pooping), I’ll usually splurge once a week on some sugar-laden confection. Most recently, I tried out Kellogg’s Keebler Cookie Crunch, thinking it would be an interesting competitor to the more popular Cookie Crisp (produced by General Mills).

Well, if by “interesting” you mean “shitty knockoff.”

Seriously, what the hell went wrong? Keebler cookies are delicious. The cereal, however, is boring and nearly tasteless. Sure, the requisite sugar is in there, but it tastes like Generic Sweet Cereal Brand X instead of cookies. Those little Keebler elves fucked up somewhere when crafting this recipe; the box says the cereal’s supposed to taste like their popular Fudge Stripe and Chips Deluxe cookies, but it tastes like neither. It’s a mushy, bland mess. Maybe the elves hired the Cookie Crook to steal the Cookie Crisp recipe, and he gave them a fake instead? It would certainly explain why we’ve seen neither the Crook nor Officer Crumb in quite some time; if the Crook sold the elves a fake recipe for a few million dollars, he likely retired somewhere in the Caribbean. Officer Crumb is probably busy chasing other cereal thieves, like the damn Trix rabbit. (Or throwing back shots of whiskey in Paddy’s Pub, like the stereotypical Irish cop that he is.)

Okay, that was a bit of a tangent. The moral of the story is, don’t buy that Keebler Cookie Crunch junk. Stick with the Crisp!