(Note: This entry was originally posted on my old blog many years ago. I’ve updated and reposted it for you all to enjoy.)

Today, we’re going talk about a classic Christmas special, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Originally aired in 1964, it utilized then-state-of-the-art stop-motion technology to bring the beloved childrens’ tale to life.

Now, as a child, I loved watching the special whenever it aired. Over recent years, though, it got harder and harder to find, as stations would mix up the airtime, pre-empt it for something stupid, and so on. In recent years, the special has been much easier to find as well as digitally remastered, and I can honestly say that the powers-that-be did a fantastic job. Sit back and enjoy the ride…my roommate and I always have a field day with Rudolph, and it’s time to pass some of our observations on to you, dear readers. My sarcastic commentary aside, I do still enjoy Rudolph, as anyone with a brain should. It’s a damned Christmas tradition, you dirty savages!

On with the show. Unless you’ve been cryogenically frozen for many decades, you know damn well what the plot is: young Rudolph is born with a bright red nose, and after a hellish childhood, he goes on to lead Santa Claus’ reindeer team. The Rudolph special drags this story out a bit further, since all they had to go on was the famous song of the same name.

To begin, out comes Sam, a snowman who functions as our narrator (voiced by the late Burl Ives). Everything seems to get off to a good start; the friendly snowman tells us all about Christmas Town, then goes on to mention a horrible blizzard a few years back. Some young reindeer named Rudolph was responsible for saving Christmas that year, and Sam pulls up an ice block to sit on and tell us the tale. (Why does he need something to sit on, if he has no legs?)

Rudolph is the son of the legendary reindeer Donner. Shortly after his birth, Donner and his wife notice the glowing red schnoz on Rudolph’s face. (The nose also makes a loud whistling noise every time it lights up, but inexplicably, no one notices this throughout the entire special!) Being the staunch conservative that he is, Donner won’t permit any deviation from the status quo, and immediately forces his young buck to cover up that blasted red nose. Even the patron saint of Christmas, ol’ Santa Claus himself, supports Donner’s conformist measures. Other than shitting all over his son’s individuality, Donner engages in the usual father-and-son activities with Rudolph, like foraging for food, play fighting, and hiding from the Abominable Snow Monster, a giant hairy beast that roams around and growls a lot.

Later on, Rudolph (wearing a false nose) joins other young bucks in the reindeer games, where hardline coach Comet teaches them all to be real reindeer. While the other bucks are practicing their takeoffs, Rudolph is pressured by his new friend Fireball to go and flirt with one of the does. The doe who catches his eye (and vice versa) is Clarice, easily distinguished from the others by the fact that she’s got a bow on her head. She thinks Rudolph is cute, and the young buck goes absolutely apeshit: “She thinks I’m cuuuuuuuude!” His fucked-up voice nonwithstanding, Rudolph’s joyous flying around impresses Comet and Fireball, the latter of whom begins to play fight with him. Of course, this knocks off Rudolph’s false nose, and the other reindeer are horrified. Santa even shows up to bitch out Donner for failing to properly cover up Rudolph’s “problem”! Nonconformity is bad, see, so Comet and the others start picking on poor Rudolph, and refuse to let him participate in any more games. Clarice still loves him, though her asshole father won’t let her be seen with such a freak. Feeling incredibly alone, the red-nosed misfit runs away from home.

Speaking of misfits…back in Santa’s workshop, we’ve got an elf named Hermey. (Wow…how the hell did that get past the censors?) Rather than loving slave labor and making toys year-round, this insurgent elf wants to be, of all things, a dentist. The Head Elf (who my friends always say bears a striking resemblance to yours truly) berates Hermey constantly about this, and forces him to work through his breaks. I suppose Hermey lucks out, really, as the other elves have to sing stupid songs in front of their overlord Santa. The man in red has other concerns, though, as his unforgiving wife is constantly nagging him to “Eat! EAT!” She explains that the children of the world want a fat Santa, which makes sense…but what the hell is her excuse for being a lard-ass?! Plus, that food she keeps feeding him looks horrible. Gray steak and porridge? Yuck! But I digress. Eventually, Hermey the young dentist wannabe runs away from the workshop, towing along his trusty dentistry book.

And so, in the snowdrifts of Christmas Town, Rudolph and Hermey meet, and strike up a friendship. They soon leave town, and as they explore the vastness of the arctic (while avoiding the Abominable Snow Monster), the pair meet the gregarious prospector Yukon Cornelius. Now let me tell you something: as a child, Yukon was my fucking hero, and he still is. He’s all about the silver and gold, and he’s not afraid to show it, usually by shouting “GOLD!” as if he’s a Brazilian soccer commentator. Not only that, he packs a revolver; in case that ice pick of his won’t cut through a glacier, I guess he’ll just blast a fucking hole in it.

Wondering what’s going on back in Christmas Town? Well, Donner finally gets a conscience and decides to go out and search for Rudolph. His wife and Clarice want to come along, but Donner tells them that searching the snowy wastelands is “man’s work”! Jeez, Don…why don’t you just send them broads back into the kitchen? Of course, being the rebellious feminists that they are, Mrs. Donner and Clarice sneak off anyway to conduct their own search.

Back to Rudolph, Yukon, and Hermey. After a narrow escape from the Abominable Snow Monster (or as Yukon calls it, a “Bumble”), the trio arrive at the Island of Misfit Toys. This is where all the screwy toys that no children want end up; for example, there’s a jack-in-the-box named Charlie, who looks like Christopher Lloyd but sounds like the Pimply-Faced Teen from The Simpsons. No kid wants a “Charlie-in-the-box,” so he’s stuck with sentry duty on the Island. Other misfit toys soon introduce themselves: a spotted elephant, a train with square wheels on its caboose, a water pistol that squirts jelly…and a doll. Now, they never said what’s wrong with that doll, and there’s nothing visibly freakish, either. We can only assume that the doll is homicidal; what little girl would want a doll that would slaughter the others? Anyway, the toys are all stuck on the Island until some children actually want them; in other words, they’re going nowhere fast. (Live together, die alone, and all that.) The three heroes meet with King Moonracer, a winged lion, who allows them to stay for the night. The only favor he asks is that when they leave, they should tell Santa about the existence of the Island; only the jolly fat man can help the misfit toys find homes.

Overcome with the desire to help, Rudolph sneaks away at night, and ends up lost for months. During this time, he grows older, even sporting a pair of antlers. Yukon and Hermey go after him, and when they finally find him, Rudolph’s already gotten himself into trouble. As it turns out, Donner, Mrs. Donner, and Clarice all got captured by the Abominable Snow Monster, and they’re about to be his dinner! Rudolph charges in to help, even spearing the Monster in the ass with his antlers, but the beast gets the upper hand and beats him over the head with a stalactite, knocking Rudolph out. With four reindeer to save now, Hermey and Yukon come to the rescue. Hermey hangs out by the cave entrance and makes pig noises, since Yukon had told him that Bumbles loooooove pork. The big oaf wanders out, and Yukon drops a snowdrift on him. While the Monster is dazed, Yukon takes care of business by rolling a boulder onto the monster’s head. Afterwards, he runs into the cave to save the reindeer.

As they’re walking out, the Monster wakes up, but Yukon just laughs; see, Hermey used a pair of pliers to yank out all of the Monster’s teeth! No novocaine, even. The poor Monster is then taunted by Yukon, who proceeds to push him over a cliff! Yukon was a bit overzealous, though, as he topples over the precipice along with his foe. (Why the hell didn’t he just ventilate him with his gun?!) The saddened reindeer and Hermey return to Christmas Town, where a huge blizzard is threatening the holiday.

Fending off his wife’s jamming that unsightly food down his throat, and the elves singing their incredibly irritating songs, Santa’s sadly decides to cancel Christmas due to the snow. (According to Fox News and Bill O’Reilly, this is actually a secular liberal plot to destroy the “traditional Christian holiday.”) Amidst the sorrow…Yukon Cornelius returns! Even more surprising? He’s got the Bumble in tow! How did they ever survive? Well, Yukon said it best:
“Bumbles bounce!”

Not only did Yukon tame the beast, he also explains that the former terror wants a job. He’s perfect for placing decorations atop tall Christmas trees, and everyone rejoices. Of course, there’s still that little matter of no Christmas this year, due to the blizzard. But, wouldn’t you know it, Rudolph’s got that lantern of a nose, and Santa decides to reinstate the holiday, as he can use Rudolph as a living headlight for his sleigh. The holiday is saved, and to make things even better, Santa agrees to find homes for all of the denizens of the Island of Misfit Toys. The way he accomplishes this is far from laudable, though; he has his elf copilot give each one an umbrella, then boots ‘em off the sleigh! Happy landings, suckers!

The moral of the story? Individuality is bad. So form a punk band and hate your parents! Or just work your way up Santa’s corporate ladder, and save the day from those godless liberals. Yeah, that’s it.

Oh, and this special proves that Santa Claus is a total dick. No wonder people stop believing in him after a while.