Very few people are unfamiliar with the legendary children’s story, The Little Engine That Could. It’s been around in one form or another for over a century, and it’s considered to be a classic example of the triumph of willpower over adversity. It may be a celebrated children’s story, but don’t let the hype blind you: there’s some questionable shit in here.

While numerous versions of the tale exist, today we’ll be examining the version commonly seen in book form, retold by “Rowdy” Watty Piper. (That’s not even a real person, mind you; it’s just a pseudonym used by the publisher, Platt & Munk.) Even more specifically, we’re using the 1976 Golden Anniversary Edition, with illustrations by Ruth Sanderson.

(When I was a little kid, I had the 1961 edition with illustrations by George and Doris Hauman, but that’s been lost to the sands of time. I even had a 45rpm record of the story, and who the hell knows what happened to that thing.)

Anyway…all aboard!

The story begins as a train filled with toys, games, snacks, and other goodies is heading towards town. Once there, its cargo will be distributed to the local children. Being a children’s story, of course, all of the toys as well as the train’s locomotive are sentient beings, which is downright creepy. And yes…there are clowns. Seriously, check out this creepy little bastard!

You know he’s plotting to knife some kid in their sleep, or drag them down into the sewers below Derry, Maine. But let’s get back to the story. Unfortunately, their red 4-4-0 steam locomotive breaks down right before the last mountain she needs to scale. The dolls, clowns, and other toys can’t repair the broken locomotive themselves, so they have no choice but to hang out and wait for another engine to come along so they can beg it to take them over the mountain. Did it ever occur to them to just send someone back along the train’s route to find help? What if another engine never came along?

Well, their luck holds out, as a Shiny New Engine comes along shortly. While the front end of this locomotive looks like a GG1, it’s got loads of small driving wheels with connecting rods. It’s clearly a steam engine, but of indeterminate type. Anyway, the toys ask the engine for help, and it declares that it’s a Passenger Engine that only takes important adults from place to place. It couldn’t possibly demote itself to pulling a bunch of toys and kids’ stuff! The Passenger Engine takes off, leaving the saddened toys by the rails. What a dick.

After being spurned by the Passenger Engine, the group’s next chance at assistance is a Big Strong Engine. This one’s a 2-6-0 steam locomotive, and he rumbles that he’s a Freight Engine. His job is to haul big machines and printing presses to town, so that adults will have their morning papers and other such necessities. Like the Passenger Engine before him, the Freight Engine also tells the toys to fuck off.

It should be noted that each of the engines that came down the tracks did so alone. This is practically unheard of on a railroad! Sending out a locomotive without any trailing cars is a colossal waste of resources. The only time a locomotive goes without cargo is if it’s in need of serious repair, and even then, it’s always got another locomotive pushing or pulling it. Which makes the tale of the next candidate all the more depressing.

Things aren’t looking good for our group of kids’ playthings. Then, along comes a Rusty Old Engine. An antique 4-4-0 steam engine, this poor bastard’s all alone, too, and he’s lucky to squeak his way down the rails. When begged for help, he says that he can barely get back to his roundhouse for repairs, and he sadly trundles off, leaving the toys in an even deeper state of despair. Cripes, why don’t you make the old goat feel bad about it? Unlike the other two douchebag engines, at least this guy’s not being arrogant. Far from it; he’s fully accepting of his own physical limitations. Still, it’s implied that he’s just yet another engine that won’t do the job, and we should pity the toy train more than him! Is this the level of disrespect we should feel towards our elders?!

Ahem. At long last, a small blue 4-2-4 steam locomotive comes down the tracks. She’s a switcher used at the local yard to assemble trains that bigger engines will take on their way, and hardly the type used to haul cargo over long distances. Still, the toys are desperate, and she agrees to the job, repeating her mantra of “I think I can.” The mountain grade is rough, and the little blue engine strains to her limits. Against all odds, she manages to pull the train over the top of the mountain, and the delivery is made to the waiting children in town.

Happy ending, right? But…whatever happened to the original locomotive that pulled the train? The toys didn’t even bother to send for help, or ask any of the other locomotives to ask for assistance once they got where they were going. They just left their original engine to rot! Disloyal little fuckers, aren’t they? No wonder the Passenger Engine and Freight Engine brushed ‘em off. Perhaps the toys’ reputation preceded them.

As you can see, while the tale of will versus adversity is prevalent, The Little Engine That Could still has a seedy underbelly. The other engines seemed like assholes, but the laziness of the toys is just as clear, and given their ignorance of the original engine, I can hardly blame the other engines’ actions. I doubt they’d want to be worked to death then left behind, either. I pity the little blue engine…she’s in for a rough life, if the fate of the red engine is any indication.