Since I’ve been having a shortage of things to write about lately, how about I dredge up some more unpleasant memories? I know you folks love those! Actually, this post deals with a subject that I know is not exclusive to me. It’s something that every straight male has dealt with at one point or another during their lifetime: the bullshit excuses that women give us when turning us down for a date or relationship.

Before my female readers start twitching with anger, kill the motor for a second. I’m not trying to be sexist; don’t be ridiculous. This post is just a statement of facts based on my actual experience. I’m fortunate enough to have been in a stable relationship with my girlfriend for over five years now, but before that, my dating life was a joke. I made my share of mistakes, sure, but I got much worse than I gave. Whether it was attempts to avoid hurting my feelings, or just plain lying, the excuses and other doublespeak I received way back when ranged from feeble to insulting. In retrospect, they’re almost funny! I know I’m not alone in this experience, so that’s why I’m sharing these lovely responses with you.

So, without further ado, let’s take a look at a few classics!

• “I just want to be friends.” This one tops the charts. Everyone’s been on the receiving end of this bad boy, and everyone also knows that it’s a filthy lie. There’s nothing wrong with actually just being friends instead of pursuing a relationship, but normally, that just evolves on its own. Using friendship as a blanket statement to put off a date or relationship is nothing short of insulting. If a relationship’s not going to work out, then explain specifically why instead of giving us this non-answer.
• “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” See above. Sometimes, it’s honest; most of the time, it is not. It usually translates to “I’m not looking for a relationship right now with you, because I’m interested in someone else better looking/richer/more popular/et cetera.” If that’s the case…then just say so!
• “You remind me of my ex.” Ouch. It’s hard as hell to come back from this one, especially if you don’t know the ex in question. (If he even exists, mind you.) This is particularly annoying when you know a last-ditch excuse to make you go away. (Been there!)
• “You’re not my type.” While this comment may be misconstrued as simple honesty, you’ll notice that you’re almost never told what her type actually is. More often than not, this means that her type is anyone who’s not you.
• “I love you like a brother.” This one’s heard for often during a breakup than before a relationship even starts, but I figured I’d include it anyway due to its popularity. Aside from sounding rather creepy, it’s also bullshit nonsense. Every guy I know who’s gotten this line of shit never hears from the girl in question ever again. What kind of “sister” is that? Sounds like a pretty dysfunctional family to me.

The moral of the story is: just be honest. It’s better to suffer a bruised ego than be lied to. People can take it, and are more resilient than you (or even they) realize.

Now it’s time for you to chime in. What kind of nonsense have you been dealt instead of a straight answer? I’m sure I’ve forgotten a few, so let’s hear it. (Ladies, I’m sure guys have fed you steaming mounds of crap, too, so feel free to rant about them.)