People like to harp on the 1983 cult classic film A Christmas Story, but fuck ‘em, I’m going to talk about it anyway.

Any discussion of A Christmas Story must be accompanied by a photo of the leg lamp.
It’s required by federal law.

I think one reason many folks hate it is because TBS airs the film for twenty-four hours straight or more on Christmas Eve and/or Day. Well, what would you rather watch on television…a fireplace? Anyway, A Christmas Story is another one of those holiday traditions I look forward to every year. My girlfriend loves it, too, so we always watch it together.

Unlike my writeups of other Christmas specials, I’m not going to sum up the plot of this film. Rather, I’m just going to mention a few of my favorite scenes.

• Scut Farkus gets his comeuppance. After being teased by the neighborhood bully one too many times, Ralphie snaps, knocks Scut down and beats the living shit out him, turning his face into a bloody mess under a flurry of punches and curse words. C’mon, how many of us didn’t see this as our ultimate dream of dealing with bullies at school? (What, just me? Fuck off, then.) I think that Peter Billingsley and Zack Ward (the actors who played Ralphie and Scut, respectively) should have a boxing match for charity.
• Little Orphan Annie‘s secret message. After long weeks of waiting, Ralphie finally receives his decoder pin in the mail, so he can translate the secret messages broadcast during the Little Orphan Annie radio show. He joyfully writes down the code, cracking it in the bathroom under pressure…only to reveal “Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.” Ralphie’s response was absolutely perfect: “A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch.” Guess what, folks: little kids swear, too.
• The Old Man. Alright, this isn’t a specific scene, but every bit of screen time featuring the late Darren McGavin as Ralphie’s father, “the Old Man,” is comedy gold. He chewed up the scenery like a gourmand consumes wine and cheese, and while his outbursts may seem over-the-top, they’re really not; if you think about it, he had every right to be as angry as he was in each and every situation that aggravated him. Furthermore, an overwhelming majority of A Christmas Story‘s finest quotes can all be attributed to the Old Man. For example:
• “Fra-jee-lay. That must be Italian.”
• “Not a finga!” (My personal favorite.)
• “He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.”

And that’s just a scant few, which don’t even take into account some amazing dialogue between him and others! Rest in peace, Darren McGavin. You gave us Kolchak and the Old Man, and we live in a finer world as a result.

If by some twist of fate you’ve never seen A Christmas Story, give it a try this year with your family. At the very least, it makes for great background noise while engaging in other Christmas activities.