Aside from having massive feet, I also discovered earlier this summer that they’re pronated. That means that my feet are canted inward somewhat; more weight is on the inside of the sole instead of evenly distributed across my foot. This is not visibly noticeable, but it showed up pretty clearly on the diagnostic machine when I had them checked at a local New Balance store. (I also discovered I have really high arches. Weird!)

While I’m not knock-kneed or anything, this discovery certainly explains a few things. I always wondered why my feet and lower back would ache when I was standing for periods of time longer than an hour or so. I had figured it’s because I’ve never been an especially active person, and my day job is sedentary. I’m sure that doesn’t help, but as it turns out, my pronated feet are the primary cause.

There is a solution: the New Balance store offers $65 inserts to be used in any kind of shoe, and since I was there to buy a new pair of athletic sneakers anyway, they had those starting at $110. Both of these solutions were well out of my price range at the time, but since I desperately needed a new pair of shoes for the gym and such, I scoured other stores all over town for something less expensive. Eventually I had to settle on a pair of Avias, as they were the only athletic sneakers I could find that would fit me.

Well, that was a fucking mistake.

Wearing the new shoes for walks and going to the gym seemed to work fine. But the real test came when I covered the Arch Enemy show last weekend. At shows, I’m on my feet for many hours on end, and this one was no different. I assumed the new sneakers would make my feet and back feel better, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. Within an hour or two, the pain started and didn’t completely dissipate for days. It’s like I never even bought the new shoes, and was stuck wearing my worn-out pair from years ago!

So, note to self: sell some platelets or something and buy the goddamned expensive New Balance sneakers. And the stupid inserts. I may feel like an old man, but it beats the hell out of thinking that metal spikes have been driven through my heels.