Spoiler alert for the ending of Blackest Night: the good guys win! I bet you never saw that coming.

Seriously, though, we’re at the halfway point of DC Comics’ company-wide crossover Blackest Night, and so far, so good. “But wait,” I can hear you say, “your blog is about ranting and complaining! Why are you being so positive?!” Very true, intrepid reader! While I’m certainly enjoying Blackest Night thus far, I do have some issues to raise. Get it? “Raise”? Like the Black Lanterns? Look, if you don’t like my bad jokes, you’d better buckle up, because I’ve got more.

Anyway, the idea of the DC Universe heroes and villains facing resurrected friends and enemies is pretty cool. (Even though it’s not really the dead, of course; just simulacra of them. Nekron’s Black Lantern rings find a dead body or spirit, “download” its memories, and create a physical construct to attack the living.) We’ve seen the whole “hero fights the dead” before, but this is on a massive scale on par with the mayhem seen in Marvel Zombies, which most certainly influenced Blackest Night.

My first nit to pick is some of the incredibly silly speech and actions by some of the characters. For example, let’s look at Hal Jordan himself; at one point, he bitches and moans about how he’s not a “pawn of the Guardians.” Well, that’s a bunch of horseshit for two reasons: one, if you’re a Green Lantern, then you’re the Guardians’ lackey. Period. Two, the last time Hal made a statement like that…he went off his rocker and destroyed the Corps he was possessed by a giant space bug. No matter what he says…he’ll toe the line, because that’s what Rebirth-era Hal Jordan does. Don’t try to make him seem more badass, when you know it’s a crock.

Larfleeze, the holder of the Orange Lantern, has been acting very much out of character lately, as well. When introduced in the Agent Orange storyline earlier this year, he was shown to be an incredibly arrogant and greedy enemy, with ridiculous levels of power to back it up. He’s currently being hunted by Black Lanterns…and acting like a complete wuss in the process. This dude’s killed Guardians, fer crissake, as well as their cousins the Controllers. Not only that, his Orange Lantern Corps was kicking the living snot out of the Blue Lanterns on their base planet of Odym. Recalling his constructs back and smashing some zombies should be a walk in the park, but Larfleeze sees fit to act and speak like he never has before instead. I can understand that a massive horde of superpowered zombies could frighten anyone, but this is a very abrupt shift for the character, and it doesn’t mesh with his previous appearances at all. (Of course, now Red Lantern leader Atrocitus wants to kill Larfleeze and take his lantern, so we’ll see how that turns out. I have a feeling Larfleeze may not survive the crossover in general, and someone else will take his place to possess the Orange Lantern.)

My next problem of note has less to do with the story, and more to do with DC Comics’ business model: there’s a ridiculous amount of tie-in miniseries that really don’t add much to the overall plot. There might be a seemingly important bit on a page in Blackest Night: Titans, and another piece in a panel in Blackest Night: Batman, and maybe another in Blackest Night: The Flash…but why not put that shit in Green Lantern or the main Blackest Night miniseries, where all of the really critical stuff is happening, anyway? Obviously, we know that DC’s just trying to squeeze more money out of the consumer. (Marvel Comics does this with their crossovers, too; look at all of the pointless Dark Reign nonsense that they’ve shit out.) From a story perspective, though, it just dilutes the whole saga. Stories work much better when they’re more tightly woven.

Green Lantern scribe and Blackest Night showrunner Geoff Johns has done a decent job juggling all of the multicolored Lanterns he’s introduced over the past few years, even though the very concept seriously dilutes the premise of the Green Lanterns, and our favorite heroes therein. Of course, this isn’t going to stop anytime soon; more colors are sure to come. You will see at least one White Lantern, as I’ve mentioned before, and it’ll almost certainly be Hal in that role. The obvious choice for their symbol would be a blank white circle, but that’s already been used by the Green Lantern Corps; it’s what recruits have on their uniforms before they earn their badges. Since artist Ethan Van Sciver designed each of the other color Corps’ symbols to be opposites of one another, here’s my guess as to what a White Lantern badge ought to look like:

See, it’s white, and the arrow’s pointing up instead of down. Brilliant, huh?

…But I digress. While the use of a White Lantern to beat Nekron is an obvious choice, it’s also a cheesy one. Wow, white is the opposite of black: how incredibly original. (That was sarcasm, in case it didn’t come across well enough in text form.) The fact that the wielder of the white light will end up being Hal (or even Kyle Rayner, who “died” recently) is also very clichéd; I understand that he’s the hero of the Green Lantern series, but c’mon…we can rock the boat a little bit without sinking it. Since it’s a company-wide crossover, why not have a character who is not a Green Lantern do it, which would actually be a surprise? (Now that I’ve written extensively on this subject, watch Geoff Johns fuck with me and not use White Lanterns in Blackest Night. Just my luck!)

Overshadowing all of my other concerns, though, is this: I dread the idea that Blackest Night will have a largely formulaic ending: the various Corps team up, recreate the white light of creation, destroy the Black Lanterns, and send Nekron back to his own dimension or whatever, with very minor ramifications (if any). Unfortunately, this is likely unavoidable due to comic book fanboys’ extreme distaste for change in any form, and their preference for simple, predictable stories.

Well, half down, half to go. The only way to see how Blackest Night will turn out in the end is to keep reading it. I doubt any of my concerns will be addressed, but let’s make like a Blue Lantern and hope. They’d certainly help turn a good series into a great one.

It seems like alternate timelines and parallel universes are the “in thing” in all manner of science fiction entertainment lately. From the multiple timelines in the comic book world, to television programs like Fringe, and even the latest Star Trek film, these “what if” universes are seemingly everywhere. While they can certainly provide all manner of compelling stories (the Mirror Universe episodes of Star Trek alone are proof of this), I’ve been having reservations lately. The increasing use of these alternates is making writers lazy, and ultimately prove to be nothing more than excuses for bad writing.

For example, I loved this year’s Star Trek film, but I did have a few problems with it. I’ve heard some Trek zealots wave away any and all criticism of the new film, even the constructive kind, with a blanket statement of “it’s an alternate timeline.” Aside from the fact that this statement is complete and utter nonsense, it’s a crappy way to explain inconsistencies. Does the alternate timeline defense work for some of the plot problems? Absolutely, as that’s what the premise of the entire film is based on. But for the rest, you can’t just wash them away like that.

I have the same concerns about Fringe. The first season established that there’s parallel universes out there, some with minor differences (like the World Trade Center surviving 9/11), others with major ones (cities in flaming ruins). It’s been part of the series’ underlying mythos, but it’s starting to get out of hand. It’s not clear which of the alternate universes is the most “important” one (read: where the bad guys come from), and this is critically important, since it’s been made clear that a war between the primary universe and the alternate is coming. But which one?! Do the writers even know? This could very easily lead to plot holes, about which the writers could easily say, “oh, that was a different timeline/universe.” That’s not an explanation; that’s a shitty excuse!

When it comes to comic books, it’s far, far worse. Gaping plot holes and continuity problems have been written off with alternate timelines, retcons, and other nonsense for decades. It’s just been getting a lot more prevalent in the past few years, especially since DC Comics brought back the Multiverse, and Marvel Comics has been making excessive use of its own parallel universes (e.g., Marvel Zombies). It’s bad enough that anyone can guess the outcome of a large-scale story or crossover (hint: the good guys win, even when they don’t), but when major revelations are ditched later on because “Superhero A actually came from Universe B, so his actions don’t count,” that’s just poor writing.

The easy solution to these nagging problems is this: ditch the alternate nonsense, and just write a good story that’s self-contained. It’s not difficult.

Scott Kurtz, creator of the popular webcomic PvP, has had his fair share of feuds in the past. He’s known for having a bit of an ego, but at the same time, he’s recognized that fact and has admitted his mistakes on occasion.

However, his latest outburst has now made it official: the fact that Kurtz is a complete asshole has officially surpassed the quality of his webcomics work. Kurtz received a letter from Wizard Entertainment recently, asking him to participate in one of their upcoming conventions. The letter was professional, but Kurtz’s reply was most certainly not; Kurtz had posted both the letter and the response on his website, for all the world to see. (I strongly suggest you read it, then carry on with the rest of this post.)

That response to Larry Ernst from Wizard was one of the most arrogant and juvenile things I’ve ever read. The fact that Kurtz used his reply to publicly bitch about his problems with Wizard as a company, which is not Ernst’s fault, shows a colossal lack of professionalism. Show me one instance in which Ernst was responsible for the questionable tactics Wizard has employed; he’s an ad sales manager, not the CEO. Even if he was responsible, his letter to Kurtz, while improperly addressed, was professional to a tee. Ernst deserved a response that was equally professional, not the witless screed that Kurtz puked up. Kurtz even admitted to hating everyone at Wizard, including Ernst, for acts the higher-ups were responsible for!

But wait…it gets better. Kurtz spoke about his letter on the Bleeding Cool forums, claiming that “professionalism is out the door with me when it comes to [Wizard], because they have never treated me professionally. Not even once.” Well, aside from the usual rule that two wrongs don’t make a right, this statement also proves Kurtz to be a liar. As I’ve stated before, and as shown on Kurtz’s own website, Ernst’s letter was nothing but professional.

Further proof that Kurtz is a lying scumbag comes with his comments on an article at The Beat. Here, Kurtz claimed that Ernst’s letter was not a trigger for his vehement statements towards Wizard, nor was any of his hate targeted at Ernst specifically: “It’s not like I flogged the guy in person or something.” Both of these claims are clearly false: the letter most certainly was the trigger, otherwise he never would’ve posted the response! Secondly, Kurtz made personal attacks towards Ernst in his reply in addition to his broad attacks on the company. He didn’t flog the guy in person, but he sure did shit all over him on a popular website.

Seriously, what a fucking dick. I’ve been told many times that Kurtz can be very hard to defend, due to his occasional outburts; well, there’s no defense whatsoever for this kind of behavior. I’m generally a proponent of separating one’s personal actions from their work; for example, Russell Crowe has a reputation for being a total prick, but he’s still a great actor. Kurtz’s behavior as of late has made enjoying any of his work impossible.

Kurtz owes Ernst a sincere apology. There’s simply no excuse for Kurtz’s actions.

(Note: I did send Kurtz an email on Wednesday explaining my thoughts on this matter, minus all of the swearing and name-calling, of course; I have this blog for that kind of stuff, remember? Anyway, I have yet to receive a reply, quite possibly due to the sheer volume of emails Kurtz receives each day. Still, that does not excuse his arrogance and unprofessionalism when it comes to his reply to Ernst.)

(Special thanks to Luke Foster for his assistance in research for this post.)

(WARNING: This post contains SPOILERS dealing with Planetary #27, the series finale released last week.)

The perennially late but highly-anticipated finale to Warren Ellis’ and John Cassaday’s Planetary series has finally been released. Issue #27 was a very long time in the making…and boy, was it a colossal disappointment.

Almost all of the characters on this cover have nothing to do with the story inside.

Planetary started way back in 1999, and writer Warren Ellis promised to explore the “secret history” of the WildStorm comics universe. The team of Elijah Snow, Jakita Wagner, and the Drummer did undeed unearth all sorts of cool shit, connected to not only popular WildStorm stories like WildC.A.T.S., Gen13, and The Authority, but also to classic literature, pulp novels, and science fiction tropes.

Planetary was always meant to be a bimonthly book that would run twenty-four issues. Which means the series should’ve been completed in around five years, but it’s taken more than twice that much time. This is laziness run rampant, people. Granted, Ellis dealt with some illness at one point, but there’s still no excuse for the series to have taken so long to finish. John Cassaday had other artistic commitments..which would be fine, except that he accepted these offers before he finished his work on Planetary. It seems to me that Planetary was just at the bottom of his list of priorities, and that’s unacceptable.

But I digress. Let’s focus on the final issue.

Instead of a story that wrapped up all of the remaining plot threads that ran throughout the entire series…we got a retcon, and a extremely clichéd one at that. The end of Planetary can be summed up in one sentence: “Oh, Ambrose isn’t really dead.” You read that right: the finale is devoted to bringing Ambrose Chase back to life, who up until this point was shown to have been dead for years. Yeah, we’ve never seen that before in comics! The issue was filled with fantastic art and Ellis’ requisite technobabble, sure, but the fact remains: it was just another bring-back-a-dead-guy issue, and didn’t serve to truly wrap up the series at all.

Furthermore…whereabouts in WildStorm continuity does this final issue take place? The current WildStorm universe is still reeling from the World’s End event. I don’t want to hear any nonsense like “Planetary is creator-owned, so it’s in its own continuity!” Well, no, it’s not. Let me reiterate: Planetary explores the secret history of the WildStorm universe, not the “Ellis universe.” It takes place in standard WildStorm continuity, like it or not.

It’s possible that #27 takes place just prior to World’s End; I suppose you could shoehorn it in there somehow. But without at least a mention thereof, it seems a bit sloppy. (Note: The real-world explanation is that Ellis purportedly wrote the script for issue #27 years ago, before World’s End and its predecessors were implemented, and just didn’t change anything to reflect this.)

Planetary #27 has been getting boilerplate rave reviews from many in the comic press, but that’s just the status quo. Too many comic book fans are wrapped up in the “if it’s Warren Ellis, it must be gold” mode of thought. Ellis is often dubbed immune to criticism, constructive or otherwise, because of this. In some cases, I also think that people are afraid to criticize Ellis, due to his rather…outspoken personality.

Ellis has written a large amount of fantastic work, but even he stumbles from time to time, and Planetary #27 is a perfect example of this. As a random one-shot issue? It’s fine. As a finale to one of the best stories in modern comics? It’s terrible.

Most people I know, including myself, do not enjoy fan fiction, commonly referred to as “fanfic.” Some fans just can’t get enough of their favorite series or characters, and decide to write their own tales to share with everyone. However, like many things on the Internet, fanfics are poorly written, poorly researched, and often descend into sexual depravity. (Don’t believe me? Look up “slash fanfic,” and prepare to be horrified.)

We all created our own stories in one form or another as children. When playing with action figures and such, we created new adventures for our plastic heroes. The big difference between these and fanfics is that they were our childhood adventures. They were created for our personal enjoyment only when we were kids, and never designed to be shared with anyone else. When you’re an eight-year-old, it’s cool when your Optimus Prime and Darth Vader toys teamed up to take down Cobra Commander. When you’re an adult submitting novels about the characters over the Internet in a vain attempt to gain recognition from other basement dwellers…something’s wrong.

Fanfic writers are not a bunch of little kids engaging in playtime. They’re teens and adults, going off the fanboy deep end and writing godawful stories in which characters often behave nothing like their official selves. I feel this cheapens the source material, and in many cases, downright insults the original stories. The cast of Final Fantasy VII were not fucking each other, just as Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee. Get over it.

As a rule, fan fiction is shit. But what happens when fanfics actually become an official part of the series they spawned from? Then where do we draw the line?

A prominent example is the Star Trek: Strange New Worlds series of anthologies. Technically, the stories within these books can be considered fanfic, as they’re all stories written by fans. But at the same time…they’re officially published by licenseholder Pocket Books, making them legitimate Star Trek tales! A few of the contributors to Strange New Worlds have even gone on to become professional writers in the field.

I think the big difference here is that there’s quality control in place for stuff like Strange New Worlds. If a story is crap, it’s going to get thrown out by an editor or their lackeys. Unfortunately, just like with webcomics, that doesn’t happen with fanfics. Anyone and everyone can post that filth on the Internet at their leisure. Entering a contest in which fan-created stories are specifically called for is one thing; writing them up because you can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality is something else entirely.

The moral of the story is this: friends don’t let friends read fanfics. Do yourself a favor, and stay the hell away from them. Your sanity will thank you for it.