“A revelation in every cup.”

That’s the slogan I found on a paper cup of Green Mountain coffee, and my face scrunched up into a rictus of disgust when I read it.

I love Green Mountain coffee, don’t get me wrong; I practically lived off the stuff in college. The snack shop in our art building sold Green Mountain coffee exclusively, and every morning, students and professors alike lined up to get their caffeine fix. (Fun fact: it’s impossible to create art without coffee.)

But who came up with this advertising campaign? There’s even a website where you can share your revelations with friends. The last time I checked, you’re supposed to do that while wearing a cardboard sign and a ragged beard.

My morning coffee is a staple, but I’m not suddenly gaining insights into the secrets of the universe. Unless Green Mountain is somehow lacing its brew with some hallucinogenic substances, I seriously doubt anyone’s having a revelation while drinking the stuff.

Look what nonsense I found at the grocery store:

The warm weather is upon us, and everyone loves s’mores. (If you don’t, go back to Zeta Reticuli.) But I have a big problem with these graham cracker “squares.”

They’re specifically designed for people who are too fucking lazy to break a graham cracker in half.

Is this how far we’ve fallen?! Regular graham crackers are already scored so they’re easy to break evenly. It’s not difficult, people. In fact, it’s the part of making s’mores that takes the least amount of time and effort. Chocolate bars have to be unwrapped and broken up into smaller pieces, and the marshmallows have to be speared and cooked first over a fire.

This kind of sloth boggles the mind. If you see someone buying that shit, you’re legally obligated to laugh at them and call ‘em out for being lazy.

I saw this ad at the gym, and had to clamp my jaw shut in order to stop myself from yelling out “FAT FAT FAT FUCKING FATTY FAT FAT!”

Your eyes do not deceive you: these pizzas come with a batch of cookies.

Pizza is already bad for you. Premade pizza is even worse, as it’s loaded with more fat, sugar, and salt. Cookies aren’t exactly healthy, either, and Nestlé Toll House cookies are heavyweights. In moderation, both pizza and cookies are perfectly fine. But that’s not the target demographic here: most frozen pizzas are not consumed by a group. They’re consumed by maybe one or two people, which is double or triple the serving size. And the cookies? Same deal.

More importantly…since when do pizza and cookies go together in the first place? Did I miss that memo? The last time I checked, pizza goes with beer, pretzels, chips, or buffalo wings. Pepperoni and a sugar rush don’t seem to mix.

Ah, Fat America. How will you disgust me next?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! As you’re reading this, you’re likely preparing to stuff yourselves silly. (I know I am.)

I know some may consider it shameful to be a glutton on Thanksgiving, especially when so many people the world around are starving. I do not share this belief, but not for the reasons you might think. I do feel for the plight of hungry folks worldwide, but at the same time, I’m grateful that I live in a society where I can enjoy a feast with my family. For me, it’s not just the copious amounts of food that are important; it’s the company. I could buy a bunch of food and engorge any time I want, but only once a year does most of my family get together to give thanks and enjoy a large meal.

There’s really no arguing with that.

My girlfriend bought me a French press for my birthday. Get your minds out of the gutter, you sick perverts; it’s not some kind of sex toy, it’s a coffee maker! Anyway, I had heard from numerous friends and associates that French press coffee was the way to go, and since I never got around to buying one myself, my girlfriend took matters into her own hands. Talk about an awesome gift!

She got me a Bodum Brazil model (pictured at right), and it works great. She also bought me a blade grinder and a selection of beans, as a French press works best when you coarse grind your own. Being the master mechanical engineer that I am, I figured everything out without a problem. My friends were correct: French press coffee is fucking badass. The flavor’s richer, and the overall brew is like rocket fuel. (Which, if you work in IT as I do, is quite a boon.)

After a few weeks, though, I’ve been running into trouble. My coffee ends up consistently tasting wrong. This happened once in a while before, but now it’s constant. Sometimes it’s burnt, sometimes the flavor’s gone, and sometimes it just tastes like shit. I can’t figure out what the damned problem is.

So what the hell am I doing wrong? Is the water still too hot? I have no idea what the proper temperature should be, other than “not boiling.” (If the water does accidentally boil, I take it off the burner and let it cool for thirty seconds.) Plus, I don’t know what kind of thermometer to use to check the temperature; I’d imagine that a simple meat thermometer would be thrown off by the metal pot I heat the water in.

I only let the coffee brew for three and half to four minutes. I’m experimenting with shorter brew times, but I don’t want the coffee to be weak. Also, I carefully wash and rinse the press and all of its parts after each use. Finally, I grind a fresh cup of beans every few days and store the grounds in an airtight container. The beans are also stored in airtight containers, so I doubt the coffee itself is getting stale. (It sure smells great when I open it up!)

Few things in the morning are worse than subpar coffee, so this issue needs to be resolved as quickly as possible. Any thoughts? I know some of you readers out there have French presses (some of you were the aforementioned coffee aficionados who recommended it, after all), so I’m willing to bet that you can help me. Any advice would be appreciated!