Specifically, I find the four main characters annoying. Sure, some of the show’s jokes have been funny, but it’s overshadowed by how irritating those nerdy bastards are. Now, I’ve known many nerdy people in real life. Some of them are extremely nerdy, but I’d like to think that they have some grounding in the real world. At most, I’ll shake my head or roll my eyes when their cup of nerdity runneth over. However, if the characters from Theory were real, their existence would drive me to the point of insanity. It’s completely impossible for them to separate fiction from reality, and I can’t stand shit like that. I understand that the show is designed to propagate and amplify a stereotype, but there’s a reason that stereotype is a negative one.

Case and point: the show’s popular among nerds because they secretly want to be those characters, or worse yet, are already very much like them. This is inherently dangerous. The guys on Theory are social misfits and complete losers; no matter how much the geek chic fad seemingly gains ground, guess what: a majority of the population finds people like that irritating. If you think Theory is only popular among nerds because they’re kindred spirits, think again: just as many people (if not more) watch Theory to laugh at, not with, that group of douchebags. Most folks’ tolerance is just at a different level than mine, as they likely don’t deal with many nerds in real life.

By way of comparison, let’s look at It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If I hate the nerds on Theory, why wouldn’t I hate the assholes on Sunny? The difference is that you’re supposed to hate Sunny‘s characters, and relish their misery when their mad schemes invariably fall apart. They’re horrible human beings, and that’s the allure of the show; you’re never supposed to empathize with them. Not so with Theory: the stars are total losers, but you are supposed to feel their pain. I don’t, as I can’t stand people like that in real life. Why should I enjoy watching fictionalized versions of them?

I don’t care how popular Theory is; as we all know, popularity does not necessarily equal quality. (Need I remind you how much money those godawful Transformers and Twilight films make?) The characters are more irritating than a rash, and that’s reason enough to avoid the show. There are better sitcoms out there with which to spend my time. Besides, if I want nerdy humor, all I have to do is drop by my friendly neighborhood comic book store. At least the material there isn’t scripted!

There’s far too many incidents to list here, so I’m just going to point out some of my favorites, which are some of the worst examples of product placement I’ve seen.

• The Wizard. This 1989 film was essentially one gigantic advertisement for Nintendo. This was made abundantly clear up front, with the trailers proudly touting the Nintendo World Championships. Still, the fact that this giant commercial was actually released and made money was ridiculous, as the movie really wasn’t that good. (I’ll concede that the “He touched my breast!” scene was hilarious, though.)

• The 4400. In the second season episode “Rebirth,” one of the main characters was reminiscing with his old Korean War buddies about a fellow soldier who had recently passed away. While in the bar having drinks, they mentioned that the soldier “loved his Buds.” That’s not too bad, but what followed was much worse. One of the group mentioned how beer cans nowadays looked a lot like the old ones from their wartime days…complete with a closeup shot of a Budweiser anniversary can. Give me a goddamned break.
• Transformers. I’m talking about the 2007 film, mind you, not the cartoon; the latter was specifically designed to be a commercial to sell its accompanying toyline, as were many cartoons in the 1980s. The film had a toyline, as well, but in this case, the role was reversed: the toys promoted the film. Anyway, that’s not even the example I want to mention! There’s plenty of product placement in this movie, especially from General Motors, but the biggest offender is Panasonic. In one scene, a computer scientist picks up a memory card in order to copy a sensitive file. She holds the card up to the damned camera, so that we can all see the Panasonic logo emblazoned on it before putting the card into the computer! Are you fucking kidding me?
• Eureka. Syfy’s flagship comedy/scifi show got hit with a nasty dose of product placement in the first half of its third season. The show picked up Degree antiperspirant as a sponsor, and company logos were shown throughout the show. This was distracting, but the show’s writers managed to work it into the storyline with a bit of humor, showing that the Degree products actually came from the eponymous town in the first place. However, things really went overboard with the episode “Here Come the Suns.” Here, the show’s protagonists had to apply special heatproof gel (made by Degree, of course) in order to brave the high temperature from an artificial sun. As it turns out, having an episode that featured a Degree product saving the day was part of the sponsorship contract! This annoyed the shit out of the writers, but they did their best with what they had. Later episodes of Eureka featured blatant advertising from networking giant Cisco Systems, but nothing was bad as that Degree shit.
• Doctor Who. Believe it or not, product placement worked its way into the long-running British science fiction show, and it’s one of the most annoying examples ever. The 2005 episode “Bad Wolf” was in its entirety a commercial for the game show The Weakest Link, complete with hostess Anne Robinson appearing as a robotic version of herself. There were some Doctor Who plot elements running through the episode, sure, but the crux of the matter is that it was an advertisement, plain and simple. It was probably the most insulting episode of a television show I’ve ever seen. (And yes, I’ve seen “Love & Monsters,” but that one just hurt my brain rather than insulted me.)

I understand that product placement is how extra money for a film or show’s budget can be made, but often it’s just glaring. If someone’s casually drinking a can of Coke, that’s realistic and unobtrusive. But if that person holds up the can so we can clearly see the logo as the camera zooms in…come the fuck on. Stop insulting our intelligence. As a matter of fact, advertising like that will make me less likely to buy your stupid-ass product.

Well, the Lost finale has come and gone, and it surpassed expectations. That’s not a good thing. I was worried that it was going to suck…but I had no idea just how awful it would truly be. The Lost finale was fucking terrible, and there was simply no excuse for it.

Why? Because none of Lost‘s big mysteries were explained! What was the Island? What were the Hostiles doing there? What was Widmore’s plan? What was the Heart of the Island? What was with all of the Egyptian stuff? Why were Mother and Jacob godlike? Why did Jacob’s brother turn into smoke? Why were the Candidates picked in the past? What was with all of the time travel? And so on, and so forth. The amount of stuff left unanswered could fill a page or two. (Or a clever and amusing video.)

The last time I checked, people watched Lost because the overall mystique of the Island and the events that transpired there were intriguing; in fact, that’s exactly how ABC marketed the program. Fans spent years crafting theories to explain the events on the Island. They weren’t theorizing about the happy couples reuniting at the end, but that’s all we got. Ugh.

If some of the little mysteries were left unexplained, that’s fine; Lost had a ton of material it had built up over the years, and no one was asking the impossible. But the crucial stuff? None of the big questions around which the entire series revolved were explained. The only “explanations” we got over the course of the show were ones that merely morphed into other questions; e.g., the Numbers, the Whispers, and even the Island itself. Those aren’t answers, they’re misdirection.

All we did get was the revelation that the “flash-sideways” timeline was a kind of limbo that the characters had created, so that they could meet up again after they’d died. Some died on the show, and the rest would’ve died at some point in the future after they’d lived out their lives. That whole concept didn’t bother me too much (aside from many important characters being “left out”). However, the mysteries of the Island should’ve been explained first, especially since it’s made clear that their experiences on the Island were the most important events in their lives, and that’s why they were all coming together again. And they didn’t even explain how the limbo dimension or whatever it is came about! How did the characters create it? And when?

Believe it or not, I’ve actually seen people trying to defend the finale. I’m guessing it’s a case of people trying to make themselves feel better or otherwise justify six seasons’ worth of fandom, but what the hell, I’ll bite.

The biggest defense is that the ending was good because the show was “about the characters.” Well, that claim falls apart because the characters on Lost were defined by the mysteries and how they dealt with them. For example, the Candidates were brought to the Island to replace Jacob. But why? If we don’t know why the Island and its glowy cavern are so important (other than hearsay from Mother, a mass murderer), then the Candidates’ trials and tribulations don’t mean anything. Furthermore, what about all of the other people on the Island? Without explanation, there is no context, and thus, the characters are actually cheapened, because their experiences have no relevance.

To put it in a simpler perspective: imagine reading a mystery novel where the mystery isn’t solved at the end. The final chapter just jumps ahead to a future point in time with no explanation. That would annoy any reader, yet the Lost finale pulled the same stunt.

Cripes, even Battlestar Galactica‘s shitty finale at least gave us a throwaway deus ex machina explanation, which while crappy, was at least better than nothing at all. (Though Lost‘s finale didn’t retcon the entire show as BSG‘s did.) If this is the new standard for these long-running shows, should I just give up on watching Fringe and Caprica now, as they will probably disappoint in the end as well?

Writers Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof (and, to a lesser degree, J. J. Abrams) extended a gigantic middle finger to the show’s fanbase, and that’s just damned sad. Thanks a lot, fellas, for building up nearly six years of mysteries and suspense…and throwing them all out the damned window.

Ironically, the joke “alternate endings” on Jimmy Kimmel Live were far better than the real thing:

Anyway, take a look at Sprint’s “4G Anthem” spot:

While Sprint promoting all of the different ways you can use their 4G service is fine, I take issue with the final demonstration. It shows the spokesman sharing his Internet connection with others in order to play a round of Mario Kart DS during a camping trip.

What’s wrong with this picture?

If you’re on a camping trip…you should be camping, not playing video games! Furthermore, you shouldn’t even have a cellphone with you. Don’t give me that “in case of emergencies” nonsense, either; camping trips aren’t horror films. Leave your goddamned devices at home, and enjoy the great outdoors the way it was meant to be.

And if you come across any other campers playing video games, punch them.

Like anyone else with a pulse, the Star Wars prequels hurt my brain. Detailing each specific complaint about the films would fill many blogs, but today, I’m going to focus on a singular one: the fact that the last two prequel movies revealed that Anakin Skywalker — and by extension, Darth Vader — was a whining pussy. (I’m leaving The Phantom Menace‘s little kid Anakin out of this; fans’ complaints about that may be valid, but they are not related to this specific problem.)

Darth Vader is arguably the greatest science fiction villain of all time, but his mystique was destroyed with the second trilogy. Chalk it up to George Lucas’ writing or Hayden Christiansen’s acting, but either way, the end result is the same. What’s strange, though, is that the Anakin Skywalkers portrayed in Attack of the Clones, the Clone Wars television series, and the original trilogy all feel like vastly different characters. (Note: I’m treating both Clone Wars series as one and in the same for the purposes of this discussion. Events therein may contradict one another, but the characters act the same.)

The difference between the Vader we knew and loved and the Anakin we grew to revile in the prequels was jarring enough, but I suppose that can be explained by the nearly twenty-year gap in the Star Wars timeline between Revenge of the Sith and A New Hope. Anakin may have been a brat, but decades can change a man, especially given what he went through. It’s the Clone Wars incarnation that throws a spanner into the works.

See, in that series, Anakin Skywalker is portrayed as hero of the Republic who’s larger than life. He’s fought numerous engagements with the Separatists, his tactical prowess is respected and feared by his enemies, he’s teaching his padawan Ahsoka Tano the ways of the Jedi, and he’s secretly married to Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo. Sure, he’s had his brushes with anger, fear, frustration, and all of that other stuff that leads to the Dark Side of the Force, but this merely paints him as an ultimately human character, as well he should be. Clone Wars Anakin is a far cry from his whiny Attack of the Clones self, and in Star Wars canon, the television series picks up less than a year after the events of the second prequel film!

Worse yet, Revenge of the Sith is a colossal step backwards for the character. From a production standpoint, this makes no sense, as The Clone Wars was being plotted during the production of Revenge of the Sith, and the first Clone Wars series aired before the final film came out! So when you view the saga as a whole, as Lucas intends, Anakin’s portrayal is a goddamned inconsistent mess.

If Clone Wars Anakin started out whiny, then grew more confident and capable over dozens of episodes, with Revenge of the Sith picking up on this new persona, then it would’ve worked out fine. But heaven forbid we want modern Star Wars tales to feature a solid story! Hey, I enjoy The Clone Wars as much as the next fan, but I’ll be the first to admit that it’s still a kids’ show with continuity problems of its own. The fact that it feels vastly different from the films, however, is a problem that never should have existed.

This is why I hate nerds.

I’ve heard this often-arrogant declaration from other anime freaks, and it’s equally as stupid and factually incorrect as the spouting of a fictional character. Guess what, dipshit: anime is a cartoon. “Cartoon” is merely the name of the medium, and anime is a subgenre within that medium. I’ve heard similar whining from rabid Star Wars fanboys about the current television series, The Clone Wars. In this case, the line is “It’s not a ‘cartoon,’ it’s an animated series!” It’s still the same damn thing, jackass!

More often than not, this kind of talk is used in order to elevate nerds’ interest in anime over those of the “common folk.” In fewer cases, it’s used as a defense against the use of “cartoon” as a perceived attack on their hobby. This is ridiculous, as the term “cartoon” is not a perjorative! Even if someone tries to use it as one, then the problem is with the person who said it in that context, not the term itself! If you do take offense when the term “cartoon” is applied to subgenres like anime, then you seriously need to get a fucking life.

Ironically, when these losers get arrogant and decry the term “cartoon” over that of anime, they are actually the ones being stereotypical, in that they’re claiming that their favorite subgenre is somehow “better” than other cartoons by default. What hypocritical nonsense!

This kind of synonymous bullshit affects plenty of other things in life: for example, coffeehouse clerks calling themselves “baristas.” You’re still a clerk, but there’s nothing wrong with that! I’ll likely write a future post eviscerating other ridiculous new terms for the same ol’ shit. Seriously, what’s next?

“It’s not a ‘movie’…it’s a film!”

The first ad shows a middle-aged couple painting a room in their new house. According the ad’s voiceover, the mood can strike at any time…but during housework? I try not to think about middle-aged or older people fucking. I figure if I have to think about it, then I’ll do so when I myself am middle-aged. But I can’t see myself getting aroused by performing chores. (If it gets that bad, shoot me.) Anyway, as the couple look knowingly at one another, the walls of the house start to peel back. The stack of cardboard boxes turns into a tree. The floor grows grass. All of a sudden, the couple’s in a forest!

What the fuck does that have to do with anything? And it’s not like they find a bed in the forest, or a blanket or anything else sex-related. No, they just start walking through it like a couple of happy hikers. The second ad’s much the same as the first, though this time, the couple is doing laundry before their basement morphs into a beachfront gazebo at sunset. But then…they sit down to a romantic dinner! Wait, what?! I thought these commercials were about fucking, not eating. Now I’m even more confused.

Anti-ED medicine ads are creepy enough as they are, especially since 99% of them seem to feature those couples sitting in separate bathtubs. I don’t understand that shit at all. But these recent ads, with dynamically reconfiguring environments? That makes even less sense! Is it because they air on the Syfy Channel or something?

Speaking of which, why are there so damned many of these ads on the Syfy Channel? Sure, older men watch science fiction, too…but I think that the bulk of the Syfy Channel’s audience is in the core demographic of eighteen- to thirty-four-year-olds. No one in that age group’s having trouble popping a boner, especially with the smokin’ hot women featured in Syfy’s programs. (Hello, Tricia Helfer!)

What’s wrong with this picture? A few things. First of all, that girl’s what, eleven or twelve? Maybe thirteen? She’s more than old enough to go shopping in a friendly public place with her friends without a parent following them around. Why the fuck does her mother need a GPS-style locator at the fucking mall?! Cripes, woman, give your kid some goddamned space. A mall’s patrolled by security guards, if you’re that anal retentive about your kid’s safety. And furthermore, the voiceover claims that this situation is when locating family members “matters most.” Um, no. I’d think finding missing loved ones after a natural disaster would be a bit more important, wouldn’t you? This is part of a national obsession with overprotecting children, and it pisses me off to no end.

If you need a damned GPS to track your kids’ movements, then you shouldn’t be having kids in the first place. Your paranoia has reached the point where it’s eating itself. You know what an appropriate use of those locators is? Tagging criminals who are a flight risk. Cut the kids some slack. If you know anyone who indulges in this kind of ridiculous behavior, you’re legally obligated to kick their ass. (I also think they should be sterilized and have their current brood taken away from them, for their own sake. What? Too extreme?)

As far as this ad is concerned, I bet the kid grows up to be a crack whore due to mommy’s overprotectiveness. “I’ll show you!”

I’m specifically talking about properties where little hints to the overall plot are slowly dropped over a number of years, and are the driving force behind the series’ appeal. This has become a big thing in television, with shows like Lost, Alias, Fringe, FlashForward, and the aforementioned BSG all being solidly built upon this foundation. In most cases, the viewer’s almost completely clueless up until the very end of the entire series.

“Even if the end of Lost sucks, I’ll still keep staring at you.”

Thus far, Lost has been excellent. However, I’m very apprehensive about the ending, because just like BSG did, Lost rose to very lofty heights in terms of story and acting. That means it has even further to fall if the ending turns out to be a colossal piece of shit. Furthermore, with stories that feature a grand mystery that slowly unfolds over the course of the series…if the ending sucks, then it retroactively affects the whole thing. It’s not like Star Trek, where shitty episodes can just stand alone and be forgotten in the grand scheme of things. (And there were plenty of shitty episodes!)

Even when this style of story has a great ending, it can be tough to enjoy it again when the mysterious conclusion is already known. For example, I have no interest in seeing the movie The Sixth Sense again. The twist ending was the focal point of the film, but once you know what that twist is, the movie just doesn’t hold up any more, in my opinion. This is not a dismissal of the film; if you haven’t seen it, you certainly should. Later films by the same creator — M. Night Shyamalan — followed the same template, but none were as powerful or effective as The Sixth Sense. (Well, maybe Unbreakable.)

It’s possible that this is the case because The Sixth Sense was just a film; it’s incredibly short compared to a television, novel, or comic book series. Speaking of which, we’ve seen this overreaching format hitting comic books left and right lately, and it’s actually getting annoying. Comics have had multi-issue storyarcs for quite some time, but over the past five years or so, almost every story from the major publishers is part of some gigantic background plot. And once that seems to be resolved, it only leads into the next big mystery. In other words, the mysteries never end! Sure, it might keep readers coming back, but closure is a good thing. If you want to do a massive, years-long story, that’s fine; but once it’s done, make like Monty Python and give us something completely different! (Manga and anime creators have been doing that for years, and quite successfully in most cases.) Even worse is that in a majority of cases, these big events continually retcon what has come before. Just about every “event” that DC Comics and Marvel Comics have published over the past five years or so has retconned colossal chunks of comic book history, so if you liked something in the past, it’s likely been excised from continuity by now. And that, my friends, is the same issue that applies to those secret-driven television shows.

Audience interaction time. What are your thoughts on the subject?

I’ve been heavily invested in the genre ever since childhood, and I place 99% of the blame for this on my old man. (The other 1% was my natural childhood fascination with all things scientific.) You see, my father read a lot of science fiction novels when he was growing up, and when I was a kid, I rifled though his endless boxes of them. It was here that I learned about all of the classic science fiction writers. Science fiction television and film may be great, but anyone worth their salt knows that the absolute best in science fiction is always found in book form. (And given my disappointment with recent science fiction television, I’ve been delving even more into books lately.)

If it was in those boxes, I read it. I’m sure I’m forgetting quite a few, but just to rattle off some names: Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, Poul Anderson, James P. Hogan, Robert Heinlein, Philip K. Dick, Arthur C. Clarke, Frederick Pohl, Ursula K. LeGuin, Larry Niven, Cordwainer Smith, Clifford D. Simak…seriously, just pick a legendary science fiction author, and I can guarantee that I’ve read at least a few of their books thanks to my father’s collection and the local libraries. My father was also responsible for introducing me to the Dune saga, and I’ve been [Maker] hooked ever since. My home library of Frank Herbert’s works now spans an entire shelf!

I’m telling you, I filled my head to the brim with that stuff, especially hard science fiction. It was so chock-full, it’s a wonder I was able to process other more important items, like schoolwork, eating, and breathing. Even my favorite comic book characters, like Green Lantern, Iron Man, Firestorm, and Adam Strange are all completely based in the realm of science fiction! When I was a kid, no one else was into the genre, but that didn’t really register; in retrospect, I suppose it made sense that the other kids were more interested in sports and video games than a bunch of dusty old books.

I’ve kept up on my passion for science fiction throughout my entire life. I enjoy a wide variety of science fiction television, film, and other media. I’ve also gotten into the “new breed” of science fiction writers over the years, like Neal Stephenson and Timothy Zahn, as well as picking up novels by classic authors that I missed, such as E. E. “Doc” Smith’s Lensman series and the works of Richard Matheson.

Nowadays, science fiction is arguably more popular then ever, primarily in the film and television realms. Regardless, I find myself standing apart from my peers when it comes to the span of my familiarity with the genre. This is not a holier-than-thou proclamation, simply a statement of fact. I’ve just noticed that most of my peers aren’t into science fiction to begin with, and the ones that do enjoy the genre rarely (if ever) explore the breadth of the material out there, especially its written form. (The latter certainly isn’t their fault, as most people don’t read for pleasure these days as it is!) This unfamiliarity can be personally frustrating, as when I try to have engage in conversation about much of this stuff, I get blank stares.

I don’t understand why someone would refer to themselves as a fan of a genre when they have very little experience with it, or sometimes refuse to experience anything but a few small pieces. To use a non-fandom example, it would be like someone who’s read a medical textbook calling themselves a doctor. Now, this is different than being a fan of a specific property within a genre, or even a subgenre. There’s fans of the Star Trek film that came out last year, but who do not consider themselves fans of the Star Trek franchise in general. I’m also not trying to say that any self-proclaimed science fiction should check out and enjoy every new bit of genre material that comes along, either. We all know that like any other genre of fiction, there’s an extreme amount of absolute shit when it comes to science fiction.

Obviously, other hardcore science fiction fans do exist out there, and the Internet would provide the best way to connect with them. However, as with most things, I’m very reluctant to join Internet forums and the like devoted to science fiction. Intelligent discussion I can handle; fanboyism and nerd debates I can not. As we know, that’s what a majority of message board topics devolve into, so I tend to stay the hell out. Another idea would be science fiction conventions, but those can be very scary places. There’s not much left after that, but I’ve gotten along just fine so far, so I’ll just have continue forging the path alone.