This is commonly used by detractors as a way to shit on the show; opponents claim that instead of telling a solid story, Star Trek writers would always throw in some long, made-up words instead. (I’ve actually heard Doctor Who fans denigrating Star Trek for its technobabble. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!)

Star Trek enthusiasts are well aware that technobabble includes plenty of fictional stuff, to be sure; the warp engines in particular are the crown jewel. But without them, the show wouldn’t go anywhere, now would it? (No pun intended.) More importantly is the fact that Star Trek‘s technobabble includes just as much (if not more) real world science. Sometimes it’s technology already in use here in the modern age (e.g., fiber optic communication, touchscreens, solid state data storage). In other instances, it’s stuff that’s theoretical or in the very early stages now, but ends up being commonplace in the future era in which the various Star Trek series are set (e.g., soliton waves, wormholes, faster-than-light travel, directed energy weapons).

This makes perfect sense, as our scientific achievements grow every day. I don’t think I need to elaborate on the stuff created for Star Trek that became science fact in the real world as a direct result of the show, like communicators (cellphones), padds (tablet computers), replicators (3D printers) voice-activated computers, et cetera. Science fiction becoming science fact is nothing out of the ordinary, and Star Trek is a much larger contributor to that than most people realize.

Don’t get me wrong, when the technobabble on Star Trek is overdone, the plot often goes off the rails. But claiming that it’s all fictional, and Star Trek‘s sole claim to fame, is just a blatant lie.

I find these commercials insipid and insulting. They’re sexist towards women, as they imply that jewelry is the only thing that makes them happy. They’re also equally sexist toward men, as they imply that you’re not a real man if you don’t buy them these perfect gifts. This is done with all of the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

Thankfully, my girlfriend hates that shit just as much as I do. Does she enjoy jewelry? Sure. But she doesn’t see it as a damned requirement for happiness, and she’d much rather pick out her own styles. She also doesn’t give a shit about brand names or pricey crap, either. Yet another of the many reasons why I love her.

So take a stand this holiday season. If some sensible jewelry is on your lady’s wishlist, fine; but if an overpriced glittery trinket is the only way to keep her affections, kick her to the curb. You don’t need that kind of high maintenance nonsense.

On Halloween night, Charlie Brown and his peers go trick-or-treating while Linus convinces Sally to hang out with him in a pumpkin patch to await the arrival of the Great Pumpkin. Charlie Brown fucks up his ghost costume by cutting too many holes in it, and gets rocks thrown in his bag by adults for punishment. He also gets used as a jack-o’-lantern model by Lucy and Violet, but at least Lucy gets her comeuppance by accidentally kissing Snoopy. Meanwhile, Linus’ ridiculous beliefs fall flat, much to the chagrin of Sally, who got screwed out of free candy. Now that I think of it, everyone seemed to have a pretty shitty time; what a sucky Halloween!

But that doesn’t mean this special sucks. Oh no, far from it. It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is packed with classic goodness, which I will of course overanalyze for amusement’s sake.

Some beloved Peanuts cartoon tropes are present here, such as the adventures of Snoopy as a World War I flying ace, and Lucy pulling the football away from Charlie Brown before he kicks it. Her excuse this time is that while she provided a signed document stating that she would not remove the ball, the paper was never notarized, thus it’s invalid. Too bad that kind of nonsense doesn’t hold up in court; Charlie Brown oughta sue her rotten ass. (His sister threatened to sue Linus over less.)

Speaking of lawsuits…”I got a rock.” What kind of asshole gives a kid a rock instead of candy? It’s a wonder Charlie Brown didn’t start pitching the stones through windows. Or “accidentally” chipped his tooth on one after “thinking it was candy.” He could take the entire neighborhood to court!

Linus was well-versed in mythology in A Charlie Brown Christmas, but he pulls a new one out of his ass with the tale of the Great Pumpkin. A mystical sentient vegetable that rises out of the ground to bestow gifts upon preadolescent worshippers sounds rather pagan, which is fine; that’s where most Halloween celebrations come from, after all. But the Great Pumpkin only shows up if the pumpkin patch is “sincere.” What the hell does that even mean?! How can a nonsentient object — in this case, a piece of land — display a complex emotional trait? And why would the Great Pumpkin even give a shit what a bunch of dirt and vines looks like? Wouldn’t he be more concerned with his actual followers?

Anyway, It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown also proves that Linus is a filthy liar. At one point, he states that “There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.” This is one of the greatest lines ever uttered in a Peanuts special, but it also exposes Linus’ hypocrisy. Linus doesn’t want to discuss religion with others? Well, he sure as hell had no problem proselytizing on stage before quite a few people in A Charlie Brown Christmas. There’s also a strange disconnect between his professed Christianity and his pagan beliefs, since the former has historically oppressed the latter through all manner of violence and other unseemly acts. Perhaps that explains why Linus is so messed up in the head! (That, or simply because his sister is a tyrant.)

One of these years, my friends and I really need to recreate the kids’ costumes from this special. One or two are just simple ghosts, but Lucy’s traffic cone witch, Charlie Brown’s multi-eyed horror, and Pigpen’s dust demon would all be great additions to a party. There’s plenty of other memorable moments in It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, but we’d be here all damned day if I listed ‘em all. I’ve been watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown every year since I was a little kid, just like the Peanuts Thanksgiving and Christmas specials. It never gets old, and the funny parts never fail to crack me up.

This special was also expertly parodied by The Simpsons‘ twentieth season Halloween episode, in the aptly-named segment “It’s the Grand Pumpkin, Milhouse.” Behold, my favorite scene, in which we learn that the Great Grand Pumpkin is a goddamned bigot:

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown celebrates its forty-fifth anniversary this year, and it’s just as great as I’ve always remembered. I finally got my own copy as part of the Peanuts Deluxe Holiday Collection Blu-ray/DVD combo pack. The remastering job was very well done, with the colors looking vibrant and the film grain definitely present. It’s a big step up from the original DVD releases, and a far cry from the crappy broadcast versions that are old and degraded.

Of course, there’s another reason to avoid It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown on television. The broadcast versions keep cutting out more and more scenes so they can cram in more commercials. A Charlie Brown Christmas has been completely ruined by this, so the home video route is the only way to go as you await the Great Pumpkin.

If you haven’t seen It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown this season yet, then what the hell are you waiting for?

Some please explain this to me: is it really necessary to use stereotypical porn music? Not only that, but the looks on the animated Mini-Wheats’ faces are both lascivious and terrifying. The fact that cereal has been brought to life is creepy enough, but that’s nothing new. Turning them into little horndogs goes way over the line.

This post may contain spoilers. No River Song jokes, please.

Wow, what a shock, I watch Doctor Who. You never would have expected that from a science fiction aficionado, would you? Anyway, today I’m going to babble about my thoughts on the series, with no apparent rhyme or reason connecting my various points. This post may be a bit long and disjointed as a result, and I apologize for that in advance. I’ll do my best to keep it legible.

Before I begin in earnest, I need to get something very important out of the way first. My roommate deserves all of the credit for getting me into Doctor Who. He’s what you’d call a rabid dedicated fan, having loved the series for as long as I’ve known him. He’s got an entire bookcase overflowing with Doctor Who home video releases, novels, and other stuff. (In other words, if this post bores you, it’s technically his fault.)

Prior to meeting my roommate, my only real exposure to Doctor Who was the same as most Americans: reruns on PBS back in the 1980s. I thought it was a cool show as a kid, and enjoyed the adventures of a random time traveler in a massive scarf and floppy hat. I didn’t watch it on a routine basis, though, so I would never call myself a fan.

I’ve only been watching Doctor Who regularly since the 2005 relaunch. As such, most of my commentary will be directed towards Doctor Who over the past six years. There’s so many episodes and novels and whatnot that I’ve missed, that I’m not going to bother trying to get caught up. Sure, I’ll watch random old shows and read a few books here and there, but that’s hardly a concerted effort. Instead, I use the invaluable TARDIS Index File whenever I need information on Doctor Who‘s past. I’m also not interested in any of the spinoffs, like Torchwood or The Sarah Jane Adventures. I’ve seen a few episodes of each, and I was not impressed. They just don’t cut it for me.

I’m going to start with the things about Doctor Who that I enjoy the most. I know this is going against the grain when compared to many fans, but I can honestly say that the current incarnation, the Eleventh Doctor (as played by Matt Smith), is my favorite. The whole “mad scientist” vibe I get from him is right on the money. I know my experience with the classic Doctors is rather limited, except for perhaps the Fourth and Eighth; as I said before, I watched the former on television as a kid, and I’ve read a bunch of novels detailing the latter’s adventures. Regardless, the current Doctor just stands above everything else I’ve seen.

Most folks’ modern favorite is his predecessor, the Tenth Doctor. While I definitely enjoyed David Tennant’s portrayal, there were a few things about his character that I found ridiculous. Most notably, when the Tenth Doctor became visibly angry, it just looked silly and fake. When he’d shout his catchphrase “I…am…talking!” it’s a wonder even the most cowardly villain didn’t just laugh in his face.

The relaunched series does an excellent job of making sure that no prior knowledge of Doctor Who is necessary in order to enjoy it. The Last Great Time War and Big Bang II were both very clever bits of storytelling, and both for the same reason: they provide an in-universe reason to “break” continuity when necessary. Sure, all of the classic adventures still happened…but certain things have been erased by the War, or never happened in the first place due to the entire universe having been “rebooted.” And since the writers rarely details specifics all at once, changes can be made on an episode-by-episode basis.

Then, of course…there’s River Song. I dig time travel stories wherein characters or events are running in opposite directions; the Star Trek: The Next Generation finale “All Good Things…” remains my favorite example of this kind of story. The ongoing River arc works much the same way, starting with her death, and for the most part going back in time from her perspective, but forward with the Doctor and friends. Alex Kingston is more than just a pretty face, as her acting skills are top-notch. She brings a lot of life and personality to River’s character, and that’s just as important as the story.

There’s a few Doctor Who tidbits that I have mixed opinions on. I could talk about how the Doctor needs a different kind of adversary…but I already did that. So let’s move on.

I feel that the acronym TARDIS — Time and Relative Dimension(s) in Space — is a bit outdated. Modern physics sees space and time as the same thing, so the acronym is simply redundant. (Even when you walk across the room, you’re still traveling through time.) I know, I know, it’s there for historical consistency, but there’s no reason the Doctor couldn’t make up something new on the spot; that would be in keeping with his character, anyway.

The Doctor Who relaunch logo and the slight redesign that followed were both awful. That’s the kind of messy work that would’ve earned me failing marks back in art school. The current logo introduced in 2010 (and seen at the top of this post), is much better. Making the TARDIS itself part of the logo? A fantastic idea! It’s a wonder no one thought of it sooner.

I’ve heard numerous grumblings about how the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver far too often functions as a “magic wand.” I know it’s really there to sell toys (which, in my case at least, certainly worked; I own a few replicas), but I’ll agree that its overuse did get rather tiresome during the Tenth Doctor’s run. The Doctor’s seling point is his supreme intelligence and wit; simply waving a device to fix any and all problems belies that.

Okay, I’ve been positive long enough. There’s a bunch of things with Doctor Who that I don’t like at all.

I’m willing to sweep a lot of minor stuff under the rug; Doctor Who is designed as an all-ages program, after all, so plenty of things adults may find dumb are clearly intended for children, and that’s fine. For example, many villains overenunciate their speech; that makes it obvious to kids that they’re the bad guys. The same goes for the various catchphrases spouted off by the Doctor and many others. I’m not a fan of them, but I understand why they’re included; kids love that shit. (As do some of the more obsessive fans, but I just ignore them.)

Furthermore, issues due to dramatic license also get a pass. Yes, we know that the TARDIS or other ships shouldn’t make a damned sound in the emptiness of space, but that’s not very exciting, now is it? I’m also willing to forgive problems due to obvious budgetary constraints. For the first few seasons of the relaunch, many of the special effects looked outdated and downright awful. Still, the powers-that-be did they best they could with what they had.

On to the stuff which receives no quarter. While the Doctor and his companions are always well-acted, sometimes the supporting cast leaves a lot to be desired. A random character with one or two lines is forgivable if they’re not up to snuff, but sometimes other characters central to the episode are so poorly acted that it brings the whole thing crashing down. Prime examples are the Empress of the Racnoss from “Runaway Bride,” or the Family of Blood from the episode of the same name. This goes above and beyond overacting because they’re villains (see my earlier point); I haven’t seen acting that lame since a junior high school play.

My biggest beef, however, is the gaping plot holes found in far too many episodes. I don’t mind minor continuity errors, or even more bigger ones that might contradict episodes from decades past. I’m talking about nonsensical plots within episodes or seasons themselves. More often than not, these upend the entire story, with the end result ultimately making no sense at all.

“Victory of the Daleks” had a pair of whoppers. The first is a flight of Spitfire aircraft that were modified for space travel. That concept in and of itself is no big deal, but it’s how the episode handled it that was laughably bad. How did the Spitfires fly into orbit? By generating a small forcefield around the plane filled with air. Even a rudimentary knowledge of airplane mechanics disproves this entire plot point. Aircraft require vast swaths of atmosphere in order to travel; that’s why they’re called aircraft. A tiny bubble wouldn’t allow an airplane to fly in an airless environment any more than a treadmill would allow a car to drive on water. Furthermore, the combustion engines the planes used for flight would’ve burned up the small amount of air inside the bubble rather quickly, as well as filling it with noxious exhaust. Those poor pilots wouldn’t live very long.

The other problem is that towards the end of the episode, it’s revealed that the scientist Dr. Bracewell is actually an android, created as a weapon by the Daleks. He was programmed with false memories and and all that jazz to be the perfect mole. (He’s like a Cylon sleeper agent from Battlestar Galactica.) The Daleks placed a bomb in him as a failsafe, and when their plan fails, the bomb starts to count down. How does the Doctor save the day? By having Bracewell convince himself that he’s really human, regardless of his metal body. This made no sense whatsoever; cripes, if all it takes to defuse an explosive is emotion, then just about anybody could be a one-man bomb squad!

The duology of “The Empty Child” and “The Doctor Dances” is another eye-roller. Alien nanobots scanned a badly hurt human child, and since they’d never encountered humans before, the ‘bots thought that was our default configuration. So, when they came into contact with other people, the ‘bots altered them to also have the same gas mask, hand scar, and speech pattern as the little boy. That’s all well and good…except that the ‘bots should have also made the affected people smaller, and changed their clothes and hair accordingly…in other words, it should have made all of the other folks look exactly like the original child. That’s how the ‘bots worked, after all. The episode’s plot falls apart if they’re doing a half-assed job! The fact that the Doctor solved the problem by literally waving his hands like a magician didn’t help, either, but that’s less of a plot hole and more of a stupid plot device.

Speaking of poor plot devices, nothing trumps the episode “Bad Wolf.” This was nothing more than a commercial for The Weakest Link, Big Brother, and What Not to Wear. That’s not a plot hole, but it’s goddamned insulting. I want to watch Doctor Who, not ads! Blatant product placement pisses me off, and this was one of the most egregious examples I’d ever seen.

Last but not least, there’s plenty of just plain shitty episodes, but that’s nothing unique to Doctor Who. Every television program has moments we’d rather forget. I do need to point out, though, that my roommate — yes, the hardcore Doctor Who fan — referred to “Love and Monsters” as the worst episode of any television show he’d ever seen.

I’ve seen plenty of Doctor Who apologists just brush these serious problems off or even defend them, and that makes me weep for the future of science fiction. Now, while any series is worthy of criticism in some form, Doctor Who is definitely a program whose apologists tend to shout louder than most. At least, they do in America. I’d imagine British fans are a bit more reserved, as Doctor Who is not “new” for them. There’s a Doctor Who thread on most of the message boards I frequent…and I’ve learned to steer clear. I’m sure most fans are level-headed, but there’s enough bad eggs to make forum discussions unworthy of my time.

I think I’ve rambled long enough at this point. I’m sure after this post goes live, I’ll think of about fifteen things I’d missed, complete with an audible curse word or two. Oh well. Perhaps I’ll do a sequel post somewhere down the line? Chime in with your comments if that’s something you’d like to read. (Or beg me not to write about Doctor Who ever again. It’s up to you.)

On a final random note, those t-shirts emblazoned with “You Never Forget Your First Doctor” are just plain creepy.

Take a look at this ad from Norton entitled “You Are Your Stuff.” Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.

As you may have guessed, it’s the line at the very end of the commercial that gets my goat.

Because what are you without your stuff? Better yet, without your stuff…who are you?

I can answer those questions very easily: without my stuff, I’m still the same goddamned person. I am not defined by objects or random data, and that’s saying a lot coming from someone who collects all manner of things like comics, music, movies, and so on. In fact, one could argue that you’re a better person without your stuff.

It’s appalling — yet not surprising — that a company would degrade its own customers like this. I was relieved to see that this ad has received an overwhelming number of dislikes on YouTube for the exact reasons I’ve specified here. Would losing your stuff really suck? Of course. But it certainly wouldn’t render your life meaningless. Don’t let any corporate entity (or even other people) ever convince you otherwise.

Uh…since when is “nutmeg” a euphemism for sex lube? These two people are alone in the comfort of their own home. There’s no reason for them to use code words. It just sounds disturbing.

I understand that the latest batch of KY ads are specifically designed to push the envelope as far as what can be shown on broadcast television. For that I do commend them, as the US in particular is far too uptight when it comes to sex, due to the religious right.

However, I don’t think a creepy commercial like this one is going to help our culture grow up.

That last bit is the fly in the ointment. As everyone knows, the last Star Trek film took place in an alternate timeline, often dubbed the “Abramsverse” after director J. J. Abrams. Love it or hate it, this was a sensible decision, as it brought in new fans to the Star Trek saga without burdening them with all that had come before.

However, the “prime” universe, where all of the other Star Trek series and movies took place, has taken a back seat. Merchandise and books are quite literally the only thing keeping the prime universe alive (fan productions nonwithstanding). As far as any new canon material is concerned…forget it.

It’s a shame, because as we all know, the prime universe stories far outclass the new film. Even if the next few Abramsverse films are mindblowing pieces of cinematic science fiction, they still can’t hold a candle to the powerful storytelling of the past four-plus decades.

The only official continuity coming down the line is Abramsverse stuff, and I bet that’ll extend to any new television productions as well. C’mon, we all know that Star Trek will make its triumphant return to television soon enough; it’s where the franchise began, and that’s where it’s always been at its best. My guess is that a new series will hit in the fall of 2016; the third Abramsverse film is sure to hit in 2015 (making it a neatly-wrapped trilogy), and the following year will be the 50th anniversary of Star Trek. That’s perfect timing, any way you want to slice it.

I still believe that the series would take place in the Abramsverse, albeit with a new ship and crew. Longtime Star Trek fans alone won’t be enough to keep a television series afloat, so the producers will need to draw in newcomers. There’s no easier way to do that than to tie it to the recent film continuity.

I mentioned that books are the only source of officially licensed stories taking place in the prime universe, even though they are not canon. In a bizarre reversal, a set of books based on the Abramsverse was cancelled, though some young adult novels were released. (Thankfully, they were free of vampires and werewolves.)

It would make my damned day if we got some new official prime universe stories, but I’m more likely to join the Q Continuum before that happens. The Abramsverse is here to stay…before the next inevitable reboot. I guess one can dream. How about another animated series? It’s been working well for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and even a Star Trek Web series would be pretty awesome.

Your eyes do not deceive you: these pizzas come with a batch of cookies.

Pizza is already bad for you. Premade pizza is even worse, as it’s loaded with more fat, sugar, and salt. Cookies aren’t exactly healthy, either, and Nestlé Toll House cookies are heavyweights. In moderation, both pizza and cookies are perfectly fine. But that’s not the target demographic here: most frozen pizzas are not consumed by a group. They’re consumed by maybe one or two people, which is double or triple the serving size. And the cookies? Same deal.

More importantly…since when do pizza and cookies go together in the first place? Did I miss that memo? The last time I checked, pizza goes with beer, pretzels, chips, or buffalo wings. Pepperoni and a sugar rush don’t seem to mix.

Ah, Fat America. How will you disgust me next?

Make no mistake; this is the way media is moving forward, and we are powerless to stop it. Unfortunately, it also really sucks. You know me; I’m a fervent proponent of physical ownership over intangible licensing. But the cloud model actually takes things an ominous step further.

With most digital distribution models, you pay to download the content, which may or may not have usage restrictions via DRM. If whoever you purchased it from decides not to offer that content anymore, or worse, closes up shop, you at least have your downloaded copy to enjoy.

Not so with the cloud model. Now, you’re not even paying for the content itself; you’re just paying for access to that content. Which means that whoever’s hosting your library can remove content at their whim. And if they go out of business? Your media is now gone, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

A split between the two models would be best; Amazon’s recently-launched Cloud Player works this way. You can stream stuff all day and night, but it lets you upload your own files and download files purchased through Amazon. Now you can have backups of all of your stuff, and still enjoy it on the go from any Internet-enabled device. (Apple will be launching something similar as part of iTunes.) That kind of setup I don’t have a problem with, and I can only hope it becomes the standard. The only downside is that you have to pay a lot more if you’ve got a large media library, and many of us do.

I know physical media’s on its way out in favor of content providers having much greater control and telling you exactly what you can do with your media, but damn it, I’m going to hold out as long as I can. Hey, if vinyl LPs are still around, I think my CD collection will be safe for quite sometime.

For further reading on this topic, especially as it relates to music, check out the following two pieces by Vince Neilstein over at MetalSucks:

• Amazon Beats Apple and Google to the Cloud, Launches “Cloud Player” Music Streaming Service

• Amazon Cloud Player to Record Labels: “Fuck Off!”

I’d also suggest that you read the comments on those pieces. Aside from the usual Internet flamebait and trolling, there some interesting discussion happening there.