Commercial commentary time again! This one’s a doozy.

Take a look at this ad from Norton entitled “You Are Your Stuff.” Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.

As you may have guessed, it’s the line at the very end of the commercial that gets my goat.

Because what are you without your stuff? Better yet, without your stuff…who are you?

I can answer those questions very easily: without my stuff, I’m still the same goddamned person. I am not defined by objects or random data, and that’s saying a lot coming from someone who collects all manner of things like comics, music, movies, and so on. In fact, one could argue that you’re a better person without your stuff.

It’s appalling — yet not surprising — that a company would degrade its own customers like this. I was relieved to see that this ad has received an overwhelming number of dislikes on YouTube for the exact reasons I’ve specified here. Would losing your stuff really suck? Of course. But it certainly wouldn’t render your life meaningless. Don’t let any corporate entity (or even other people) ever convince you otherwise.

It’s been a while since I laid into a stupid television commercial. Here’s one that’s downright creepy.

Uh…since when is “nutmeg” a euphemism for sex lube? These two people are alone in the comfort of their own home. There’s no reason for them to use code words. It just sounds disturbing.

I understand that the latest batch of KY ads are specifically designed to push the envelope as far as what can be shown on broadcast television. For that I do commend them, as the US in particular is far too uptight when it comes to sex, due to the religious right.

However, I don’t think a creepy commercial like this one is going to help our culture grow up.

This fall is the 45th anniversary of Star Trek. It’s hard to believe that television’s most influential science fiction program is that goddamned old, but those are the facts. Things are also gearing up for the next Star Trek film, due to be released next summer.

That last bit is the fly in the ointment. As everyone knows, the last Star Trek film took place in an alternate timeline, often dubbed the “Abramsverse” after director J. J. Abrams. Love it or hate it, this was a sensible decision, as it brought in new fans to the Star Trek saga without burdening them with all that had come before.

However, the “prime” universe, where all of the other Star Trek series and movies took place, has taken a back seat. Merchandise and books are quite literally the only thing keeping the prime universe alive (fan productions nonwithstanding). As far as any new canon material is concerned…forget it.

It’s a shame, because as we all know, the prime universe stories far outclass the new film. Even if the next few Abramsverse films are mindblowing pieces of cinematic science fiction, they still can’t hold a candle to the powerful storytelling of the past four-plus decades.

The only official continuity coming down the line is Abramsverse stuff, and I bet that’ll extend to any new television productions as well. C’mon, we all know that Star Trek will make its triumphant return to television soon enough; it’s where the franchise began, and that’s where it’s always been at its best. My guess is that a new series will hit in the fall of 2016; the third Abramsverse film is sure to hit in 2015 (making it a neatly-wrapped trilogy), and the following year will be the 50th anniversary of Star Trek. That’s perfect timing, any way you want to slice it.

I still believe that the series would take place in the Abramsverse, albeit with a new ship and crew. Longtime Star Trek fans alone won’t be enough to keep a television series afloat, so the producers will need to draw in newcomers. There’s no easier way to do that than to tie it to the recent film continuity.

I mentioned that books are the only source of officially licensed stories taking place in the prime universe, even though they are not canon. In a bizarre reversal, a set of books based on the Abramsverse was cancelled, though some young adult novels were released. (Thankfully, they were free of vampires and werewolves.)

It would make my damned day if we got some new official prime universe stories, but I’m more likely to join the Q Continuum before that happens. The Abramsverse is here to stay…before the next inevitable reboot. I guess one can dream. How about another animated series? It’s been working well for Star Wars: The Clone Wars, and even a Star Trek Web series would be pretty awesome.

I saw this ad at the gym, and had to clamp my jaw shut in order to stop myself from yelling out “FAT FAT FAT FUCKING FATTY FAT FAT!”

Your eyes do not deceive you: these pizzas come with a batch of cookies.

Pizza is already bad for you. Premade pizza is even worse, as it’s loaded with more fat, sugar, and salt. Cookies aren’t exactly healthy, either, and Nestlé Toll House cookies are heavyweights. In moderation, both pizza and cookies are perfectly fine. But that’s not the target demographic here: most frozen pizzas are not consumed by a group. They’re consumed by maybe one or two people, which is double or triple the serving size. And the cookies? Same deal.

More importantly…since when do pizza and cookies go together in the first place? Did I miss that memo? The last time I checked, pizza goes with beer, pretzels, chips, or buffalo wings. Pepperoni and a sugar rush don’t seem to mix.

Ah, Fat America. How will you disgust me next?

I’m sure you’ve all heard the term “cloud computing” by now. It’s a fancy way of saying that books, music, videos, and other media will all be stored on a third party server, while your computer or other device accesses them from any location. This naturally makes things incredibly convenient for the end user. Forget your iPod? No worries, just stream your music instead to your phone instead.

Make no mistake; this is the way media is moving forward, and we are powerless to stop it. Unfortunately, it also really sucks. You know me; I’m a fervent proponent of physical ownership over intangible licensing. But the cloud model actually takes things an ominous step further.

With most digital distribution models, you pay to download the content, which may or may not have usage restrictions via DRM. If whoever you purchased it from decides not to offer that content anymore, or worse, closes up shop, you at least have your downloaded copy to enjoy.

Not so with the cloud model. Now, you’re not even paying for the content itself; you’re just paying for access to that content. Which means that whoever’s hosting your library can remove content at their whim. And if they go out of business? Your media is now gone, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

A split between the two models would be best; Amazon’s recently-launched Cloud Player works this way. You can stream stuff all day and night, but it lets you upload your own files and download files purchased through Amazon. Now you can have backups of all of your stuff, and still enjoy it on the go from any Internet-enabled device. (Apple will be launching something similar as part of iTunes.) That kind of setup I don’t have a problem with, and I can only hope it becomes the standard. The only downside is that you have to pay a lot more if you’ve got a large media library, and many of us do.

I know physical media’s on its way out in favor of content providers having much greater control and telling you exactly what you can do with your media, but damn it, I’m going to hold out as long as I can. Hey, if vinyl LPs are still around, I think my CD collection will be safe for quite sometime.

For further reading on this topic, especially as it relates to music, check out the following two pieces by Vince Neilstein over at MetalSucks:

• Amazon Beats Apple and Google to the Cloud, Launches “Cloud Player” Music Streaming Service

• Amazon Cloud Player to Record Labels: “Fuck Off!”

I’d also suggest that you read the comments on those pieces. Aside from the usual Internet flamebait and trolling, there some interesting discussion happening there.