As a longtime fan of both LEGO® toys and Star Wars (don’t worry, I still hate the prequels), it’s only natural that I’d collect many of the LEGO® Star Wars building sets. While there’s plenty to love about them, there’s also an equal number of things to gripe about. The 800-pound gorilla in the room is the often-high price of the toys, but we’re going to focus more narrowly on a specific part of the LEGO® Star Wars that really blows the financial aspect out of proportion, and that is the miniature figures (commonly known as minifigs).

Collectors knew from the get-go that not only would it be great to have LEGO® representations of their favorite Star Wars ships and locales, but also the legendary characters that the saga has given us. While the cost of various sets goes up considerably over time (after they’re phased out of the primary market), the prices of the minifigs alone really rockets up into the stratosphere. I’ve known more than one fan who has purchased a $50 set, then turned around and sold one of the minifigs inside for $20 or more! Many times, LEGO® will purposefully place a random, exclusive minifig in a set just to boost its collectors’ value. A perfect example of this is the Jedi Starfighter with Hyperdrive Booster Ring. Kit Fisto never flew that ship, yet there he is along with the set. And as expected, he’s quite sought after!

While it certainly makes sense from a business standpoint, from a “I just want some cool minifigs to display” standpoint, it pisses me off to no end. It’s not like the minifigs are rare; LEGO® produces a ton of each set. It’s just a combination of slick marketing and collector retardation that’s driving the value of these things up, and like many other collectors’ items, I can’t stand that shit. Look, I can understand when a highly-detailed statue that they only made five thousand of sells for a high price. But a tiny plastic figurine, of which tens of thousands were likely created, commanding prices over $15? Please.

I’ve been trying to bolster my droid collection lately, and one of the items that tops my list is a black astromech droid that came with the Imperial Star Destroyer. For a few tiny pieces of black plastic…we’re looking at around $12-15. Ridiculous! I suppose I could tide myself over with the key chain…

I bought lunch at Burger King the other day, and noticed that their current Kids’ Meal toy promotion is Neopets. There’s a whole shitload of the little buggers available, but two in particular stood out.

The first is Mynci. It’s supposed to be some type of monkey, obviously, but all I could do was snicker at the name. I’m assuming that “Mynci” is pronounced “minkey,” just like how our hero Inspector Clouseau says it in The Return of the Pink Panther. If you’ve seen that movie, then you know exactly what scene I’m referring to, and thus you’ll understand why the name of this Neopets character makes me laugh. (If by some twist of fate you haven’t seen the film…what the hell are you waiting for?!)

The second one is a penguin-looking animal named…Bruce. What the fuck, all of the other characters get unique-sounding names, and this guy’s stuck with “Bruce”?! No wonder he looks so depressed. What kind of message are they sending to the children? I can only image how shitty kids named Bruce must feel when they see this sullen bastard.

But I’m sure Bruce will one day get his revenge; when the zombie apocalypse comes, he’ll be feeding his fellow Neopets to the ravenous hordes of the undead. Now that’s a BK Kids’ Meal toyline I’d like to see. Neopets vs. the Zombies!

Like any other kid who grew up in the 1980s, I’ve been feeling my hair go gray lately with all of these 20th and 25th anniversaries of properties we know and love. It seems like only yesterday that these things were in their heyday, and here we are over two decades later. Ugh.

But enough about geriatric side effects. Let’s talk about G.I. Joe. Specifically, the A Real American Hero toyline, which became the true superstars of the franchise, propelling it to unseen heights of popularity. I loved the cartoon to death as a kid, and only Transformers edged it out in my mind. I collected the comics as well, and as you’d expect, my brain exploded when they released a G.I. Joe and the Transformers crossover miniseries. (Of course, looking back on it now…what a piece of shit!) To be perfectly honest, however, I didn’t own many of the toys back then; maybe it was because I primarily focused on Transformers and LEGO® toys, maybe my mom didn’t like war toys, maybe it was another insidiousss plot by Cobra…who knows. The fact remains that Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander, Roadblock, and all of their comrades are characters that have been etched into my memories forever. I’d even pick up a random figure here and there during high school, and once college came around…I discovered eBay. That certainly helped me track down a few of the elusive bastards, like Destro.

Bringing this whole thing full circle is the fact that 2007 was the 25th anniversary of A Real American Hero, and to celebrate, Hasbro’s been reissuing the classic characters ever since.

Well, sort of.

I say “sort of” because while they’re using classic-styled packaging, complete with explosive art work and filecards, the figures are actually larger and resculpted, with more detail and extra points of articulation. While this generally isn’t a bad thing when it comes to action figures, it rather defeats the purpose of a proper reissue. Hasbro’s done random reissues in the past, and those were the correct sculpts; they even had the classic rubber band “spines”! It just bugs me that they’re not bothering with a full reissue of the original figures, right down to the sometimes-poor details. The 25th anniversary of the Transformers toyline is coming up next year, and Hasbro’s not fucking with that! (The only exception being a few slight changes to accessories, due to updated safety laws.)

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not like I despise the new line. The fact that characters from a quarter century ago are bringing in new legions of fans is fantastic; collectors may be a target market in this case, but there’s plenty of young kids buying them, too. So while the new figures are great, it’s still a thorn in my side that they’re not as “original” as they should be. I’ve successfully resisted the urge to buy the new figures, which is a good thing; my workspace at the office is already overloaded with Star Wars figures, and the last thing anyone needs is a battle between the Joes and a platoon of protocol droids.

On a final saddening note, I really wish that Hasbro would get on the stick and release some G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero DVD boxsets. Rhino did a few, but we need the whole series! I’ve already got the full set of Transformers. Quit diddling yourselves, Hasbro, and make with the boxsets!