You know what’s ridiculous? People stuck on their cellphones…on the goddamned beach.

Seriously, what the fuck are you doing?! Who the hell wants to talk on the phone instead of enjoying the sun, surf, and sand?

I went to the beach over the weekend, and you could barely take a few steps without coming across someone constantly talking or texting. For them, the beach did not exist. So what was the point in even being there for these idiots? See, I’m one of those old farts who believes that when you’re vacationing, even just for a day at the beach, you should leave your daily routines behind. While there, I like to forget about everything else in the world and just relax.

My girlfriend and I want to rent a beach house for a few days next year, and we wouldn’t mind bringing some friends along. I, however, would wish to enforce a no-cellphone rule. If there’s an emergency, use the landline in the house to call 911! This stance practically guarantees that we’ll be going alone, but hey, more relaxation for us, right?

It’s very simple: your conversations, text messaging, and Twittering are not important. Get over it. They are wants, not needs. Put that shit down, and pick your head up. If you can’t live without that stuff, then don’t bother going on vacation in the first place.

If someone’s interrupting your day at the beach with their senseless yammering on the phone, just grab it and pitch it into the sea. And for added amusement, paraphrase Biff from Back to the Future II:

“You want your phone back? Go get it!”

I’ve been asked many times — many times — if I watch CBS’ popular sitcom The Big Bang Theory. Obviously, people ask me this because it’s a show about nerds, and I’ve certainly been lumped into that category. However, I actually do not like the show at all. In fact, I find it incredibly annoying.

Specifically, I find the four main characters annoying. Sure, some of the show’s jokes have been funny, but it’s overshadowed by how irritating those nerdy bastards are. Now, I’ve known many nerdy people in real life. Some of them are extremely nerdy, but I’d like to think that they have some grounding in the real world. At most, I’ll shake my head or roll my eyes when their cup of nerdity runneth over. However, if the characters from Theory were real, their existence would drive me to the point of insanity. It’s completely impossible for them to separate fiction from reality, and I can’t stand shit like that. I understand that the show is designed to propagate and amplify a stereotype, but there’s a reason that stereotype is a negative one.

Case and point: the show’s popular among nerds because they secretly want to be those characters, or worse yet, are already very much like them. This is inherently dangerous. The guys on Theory are social misfits and complete losers; no matter how much the geek chic fad seemingly gains ground, guess what: a majority of the population finds people like that irritating. If you think Theory is only popular among nerds because they’re kindred spirits, think again: just as many people (if not more) watch Theory to laugh at, not with, that group of douchebags. Most folks’ tolerance is just at a different level than mine, as they likely don’t deal with many nerds in real life.

By way of comparison, let’s look at It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. If I hate the nerds on Theory, why wouldn’t I hate the assholes on Sunny? The difference is that you’re supposed to hate Sunny‘s characters, and relish their misery when their mad schemes invariably fall apart. They’re horrible human beings, and that’s the allure of the show; you’re never supposed to empathize with them. Not so with Theory: the stars are total losers, but you are supposed to feel their pain. I don’t, as I can’t stand people like that in real life. Why should I enjoy watching fictionalized versions of them?

I don’t care how popular Theory is; as we all know, popularity does not necessarily equal quality. (Need I remind you how much money those godawful Transformers and Twilight films make?) The characters are more irritating than a rash, and that’s reason enough to avoid the show. There are better sitcoms out there with which to spend my time. Besides, if I want nerdy humor, all I have to do is drop by my friendly neighborhood comic book store. At least the material there isn’t scripted!

Behold, the most comfortable pair of shoes that I’ve ever worn:

Now, I’m mostly known for sporting Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star hi-tops, as I’ve been wearing that style for almost twenty years now. They fit my massive feet, they breathe easy, and they don’t break the bank. However, if I’m going to be on my feet for any reasonable length of time, I’m sure as hell not going to wear a sneaker with a flat sole. I need something with a bit more support, like a running or walking shoe.

I bought that pair of New Balance 300s in 2002. See, I had the brilliant idea that I should start jogging and running to get in shape, and I needed the proper footwear. Well, my poor joints put an end to the running attempt within a few weeks, but I wasn’t going to toss the shoes. Ever since, I’ve used them when spending days walking around New York City, attending metal shows, going to the gym, and so forth. Eight years later, the insoles are finally starting to wear out.

This presents a serious problem, because of course, New Balance doesn’t make that shoe anymore. Sure, they’ve got plenty of other products, but you know damned well that with my luck, nothing else they have will even come close to the comfort of the 300s. I’ll have to settle for “close enough,” which isn’t always a perfect solution when dealing with footwear. The last thing I need is to road test ‘em in New York City and wind up with a blister the size of my big toe. (Which is about the size of a baby’s fist, anyway.)

Regardless, once I replace them, I’m going to stick the old 300s in my car’s trunk, just in case I ever need a worn pair of sneakers to lounge around in. Seriously, the damned things can’t be beat, and it’s aggravating that they’re no longer produced.

As more and more CDs are coming in Digipak-style cardboard cases, I find myself becoming more and more annoyed.

Even if you’re not familiar with the patented name, you’re guaranteed to have come across a few Digipaks in your travels. These are CD cases made mostly (or sometimes completely) out of paper products, that unfold to reveal the disc, liner notes, et cetera. (They also have DVD cases that are built much the same way.)

My problem with Digipaks is their lack of durability. I take excellent care of my media, as I want it to last as long as possible. Unless you never remove them from your shelf, Digipaks are bound to get scuffed and worn, especially on the edges of their spines. Good old-fashioned jewel cases hold up much better than that. Plus, jewel cases are easily replaceable; Digipak albums have to be purchased again.

I understand that some artists use Digipaks to do clever creative things with the packaging, and that’s okay, I guess. I’m a big fan of collecting physical copies of my media, as I do like the artwork and such. What bugs me is when record labels just use it as a cost-cutting measure…but don’t drop the price of the CD itself. Unless you’re doing something with the packaging that cannot be replicated with a jewel case, then don’t bother.

Some might prefer Digipaks, claiming that their cardboard construction is better for the environment. Of course, most people aren’t throwing out CD cases like one would a plastic bag. Furthermore, additional printings of many CDs end up in jewel cases, anyway!

Clearly, this argument against Digipaks is one of personal preference. But guess what, it’s my damned blog, and my preference is solid plastic!

If there’s anything I can’t stand in film and television, it’s blindingly obvious product placement. Real-world products can make a movie or TV show more realistic, but when these products are gratuitously placed, it’s distracting and annoying.

There’s far too many incidents to list here, so I’m just going to point out some of my favorites, which are some of the worst examples of product placement I’ve seen.

• The Wizard. This 1989 film was essentially one gigantic advertisement for Nintendo. This was made abundantly clear up front, with the trailers proudly touting the Nintendo World Championships. Still, the fact that this giant commercial was actually released and made money was ridiculous, as the movie really wasn’t that good. (I’ll concede that the “He touched my breast!” scene was hilarious, though.)

• The 4400. In the second season episode “Rebirth,” one of the main characters was reminiscing with his old Korean War buddies about a fellow soldier who had recently passed away. While in the bar having drinks, they mentioned that the soldier “loved his Buds.” That’s not too bad, but what followed was much worse. One of the group mentioned how beer cans nowadays looked a lot like the old ones from their wartime days…complete with a closeup shot of a Budweiser anniversary can. Give me a goddamned break.
• Transformers. I’m talking about the 2007 film, mind you, not the cartoon; the latter was specifically designed to be a commercial to sell its accompanying toyline, as were many cartoons in the 1980s. The film had a toyline, as well, but in this case, the role was reversed: the toys promoted the film. Anyway, that’s not even the example I want to mention! There’s plenty of product placement in this movie, especially from General Motors, but the biggest offender is Panasonic. In one scene, a computer scientist picks up a memory card in order to copy a sensitive file. She holds the card up to the damned camera, so that we can all see the Panasonic logo emblazoned on it before putting the card into the computer! Are you fucking kidding me?
• Eureka. Syfy’s flagship comedy/scifi show got hit with a nasty dose of product placement in the first half of its third season. The show picked up Degree antiperspirant as a sponsor, and company logos were shown throughout the show. This was distracting, but the show’s writers managed to work it into the storyline with a bit of humor, showing that the Degree products actually came from the eponymous town in the first place. However, things really went overboard with the episode “Here Come the Suns.” Here, the show’s protagonists had to apply special heatproof gel (made by Degree, of course) in order to brave the high temperature from an artificial sun. As it turns out, having an episode that featured a Degree product saving the day was part of the sponsorship contract! This annoyed the shit out of the writers, but they did their best with what they had. Later episodes of Eureka featured blatant advertising from networking giant Cisco Systems, but nothing was bad as that Degree shit.
• Doctor Who. Believe it or not, product placement worked its way into the long-running British science fiction show, and it’s one of the most annoying examples ever. The 2005 episode “Bad Wolf” was in its entirety a commercial for the game show The Weakest Link, complete with hostess Anne Robinson appearing as a robotic version of herself. There were some Doctor Who plot elements running through the episode, sure, but the crux of the matter is that it was an advertisement, plain and simple. It was probably the most insulting episode of a television show I’ve ever seen. (And yes, I’ve seen “Love & Monsters,” but that one just hurt my brain rather than insulted me.)

I understand that product placement is how extra money for a film or show’s budget can be made, but often it’s just glaring. If someone’s casually drinking a can of Coke, that’s realistic and unobtrusive. But if that person holds up the can so we can clearly see the logo as the camera zooms in…come the fuck on. Stop insulting our intelligence. As a matter of fact, advertising like that will make me less likely to buy your stupid-ass product.